How odd that people are pulling back their support of Rihanna because she “isn’t helping the district attorney prepare his case against (Chris) Brown for allegedly beating her to a pulp”. Roger Friedman of Fox411 submits that, “while victim earns the public’s sympathy, enabler doesn’t.” I’m not sure where Rihanna lost the label of victim, but those who commit domestic violence wouldn’t do it twice if their victims didn’t “enable” them to some degree. Enabling is an integral part of the domestic violence pattern. It simply cannot exist without an enabler.

Has Friedman not heard that, “Domestic violence victims may minimize the seriousness of incidents in order to cope”? To admit the truth would be devastating to the victim.

On top of that, “Perpetrators of domestic violence may constantly criticize, belittle and humiliate their partners. Causing the victim to feel worthless, ugly, stupid and crazy does not allow for a survivor’s healthy self-perception. Low self-esteem may contribute to victims feeling they deserve the abuse, affecting their ability to see themselves as worthy of better treatment.”

That is so true. As bright as I like to think that I am, I’ve fallen for the manipulation of abusive men in the past. I even married a couple of them.

When I would call the police for help, my ex’s entire family was behind him and wondering why I had called the police on him. My own family wasn’t very supportive one way or another, they had their own share of violence over there. So, all I heard was how I was wrong for calling for help. No one mentioned that my husband might have been wrong for throwing me down the stairs.

And then, every single person who found out about the abuse asked the same question…”What did you do to make him so mad?”

I would want to scream when I heard that. What COULD I have done that would have justified the violence? I certainly didn’t hit him first. That would never occur to me. He always knew that he was stronger and he was never, ever intimidated by me until after our divorce.

But, I would answer that question anyway…with a lie. I would say, “I bought regular Captain Crunch instead of peanut butter Captain Crunch.” They rarely knew how to respond to that one.

Men don’t usually hurt women on the first date. They don’t know them well enough. There’s a chance that a chick could know karate and she might take his ass out. Abusers choose their victims carefully and one of the signs of a good victim is that they don’t think enough of themselves to fully realize exactly what’s going on.

If the “public sympathy” is sincere, it will occur at all phases of the domestic violence, not just the bruised phase. If it’s not sincere, it’s shouldn’t be an issue at all.