Whenever I’m at the bank trying to make a deposit, the tellers ask me for identification, apparently to to be sure that it’s ME…and not ANYONE ELSE who’s depositing money into my account. Every time they do that, I tell them to make a note in my records allowing anyone and their brothers to deposit cash into any and all savings/checking accounts that I might have. In other words, I tell them that they have my permission to accept cash from strangers, friends, family members and stranger’s friend’s family members…whether they have identification or not.

I wouldn’t have expected it to be a problem to deposit cash into someone’s account without ID…but then again, I wouldn’t have thought that it would be a crime to make love to your own wife. Apparently, if I ever remarry, I’ll need to sign some document stating that my husband is allowed to make love to me…whether I’m comatose, paralyzed or just plain nuts. It seems as though the lack of such a permission slip landed an amorous hubby in deep doo-doo.

Fifty-nine year old David Johnson was “charged with felony sexual assault for having intercourse with his wife without her consent at least three times in 2005.” How on earth can they prove that the man didn’t have his wife’s consent? I told my ex that if I were ever in a coma, he was free to hop up in bed with me and do the horizontal bop anytime he wanted to. It never occurred to me that it had to be put down in writing, but I’ll know better next time.

It seems as though the staff at the nursing home where Johnson’s wife is a resident was actually WORRIED that the evil husband might be making love to his wife! That BASTARD! Can you imagine the nit wits at THAT meeting?

So, they called the cops who, in a severe violation of the couple’s “constitutional rights against unreasonable searches”, installed a hidden video camera in the room. Let’s see…husband makes love to me/perverted strangers tape me and my husband naked…which one of those scenarios would YOU think was more of an offense to Mrs. Johnson?

I’ve been around a LOT of nursing homes over the years and I can say with conviction that ALL of them should appreciate a husband who “would visit his 54-year-old wife every day, reading her the Bible and moving her arms and legs so her muscles wouldn’t atrophy.” The Physical Therapists at Divine Savior Nursing Home in Portage, Wisconsin won’t do it properly, that’s a given or it wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place. Some family members complain and some just do it themselves, this guy is just doing it himself rather than waiting for the therapists to come out of some office and do their jobs.

Mr. Johnson obviously loves his wife, he’s doing all he can to take care of her. He visits everyday and if he occasionally looks at her and gets a little frisky, who’s gonna complain? Personally, I’d rather my hubby do me while I’m comatose than some wide awake chick who can move. What a loyal guy! And, no one mentioned whether or not the guy was sweet enough to engage in a little foreplay before the act. I think it’s just BEAUTIFUL that after all these years, Mr. Johnson still WANTS his wife…even at the risk of being caught by prying eyes.

In a rare example of judicial common sense, “Judge Patrick Taggart tossed out the evidence last year, ruling it stemmed from an illegal search.” The argument used by prosecutors who have too few cases and too much spare time was that “Johnson’s right to privacy ended when he used the room for what they contend was illegal intercourse.” I doubt that one can tell from a video whether or not he was doing it legally.

The cops in Portage, Wisconsin couldn’t be reached for comment because, as rumor has it, they had just raided a La Leche League meeting and they were booking one breastfeeding mother after another. But, I did get to speak with Deputy C. Bumpkin again, he’s never at a loss when he defends his profession:

Q. So, Deputy Bumpkin, exactly what about Mr. Johnson’s lovemaking technique made it “illegal intercourse”?

A. Well, the fact that she didn’t give him permission to penetrate is all we need.

Q. Isn’t “permission” sort of implied in the wedding vows? The wife didn’t REFUSE…did she?

A. It ain’t implied in my house. My wife don’t never have to tell me “NO!” I can see it in her eyes. She uses non-verbal clues to let me know she isn’t interested.

Q. Could you give me an example?

A. Yes ma’am. Say I’m making googly eyes at her from across the kitchen table…she’ll tilt her head over toward the calender. I know that means “Not tonight!”

Q. And what is her specific message when she uses that particular non-verbal clue?

A. I know she’s telling me that there’s an “R” in the current month. I only get that thing (wink wink) during months without an “R” in them.

Q. O…K…back to Mr. Johnson. Exactly what did you see on that tape that was so offensive? You did SEE the tape, didn’t you?

A. Oh yeah, sure I did. That guy was nuts! He kissed his wife right smack on the lips and then his hands started caressing her from her shoulders on down. He must have spent 20 minutes playing with her breasts alone. That perv kissed every inch of her body, can you imagine that?

Q. Ooh, I sure can. But go on with your story…

A. Yeah, then he climbed up on her and his big hairy butt was pointed right at the camera as though he was mooning us all!

Q. But he didn’t know the camera was there, right?

A. Well, no. But you should have seen that butt of his going up and down, up and down, up and down and up and down and up and down…it seemed like it went on forever. There we were, the entire police force, watching that tape over and over again…it was pretty hard on most of us. Especially the lady cops.

Q. Deputy Bumpkin, I just have one more question and then I’ll let you go. Let’s just say that, God forbid, something awful happens to you and you’re in a coma for months and months. If your wife was in the room when you happened to get one of those neurogenic erections, would you want her to take off her pants and jump up on the bed…pumping that bad boy until she came all over you?

A. YEEEHAAAAAA…yes’m!

OK then…I guess the only thing you can do to keep your spouse out of jail for making love to your comatose body is to add a “penetration clause” in your Living Will. Remember to ask your attorneys to add that clause to any legal documents you have to sign. Or, you could just type up an agreement between you and your spouse that says you each have permission to get giggity with each other’s body…whether you are alert or catatonic.