I meant to write this earlier today but I don’t like to write sans THC and last night I lost my weed after smoking myself stupid. I finally found it behind a pumpkin so, here I am! If I try really hard, I might be able to write a complete post without being interrupted by my daughter who I love dearly. I really do. She’s my favorite person on the planet and I would do anything for her. I enjoy her company and I could hang out with her for days and days before I started to get annoyed with the stupid things she says and does.

Well, it’s been days and days. Actually, it’s been weeks and that chick is about to drive me INSANE! From the way she hollers across the grocery store to get my attention to her ever-present disdain for my clothing du jour, that kid is making me wonder if her father was telling the truth when he said she was mine.

But…I shall persevere because I represent a group of people who have been persecuted for far too long…parents whose kids keep moving back home.

I was one of you as recently as last year when my first born became the last little chickadee to fly the coop. But, as the occupant of a 3 bedroom house, I have always lived in the fear of a child or two returning back to the nest. Well, for the rest of the parents out there who live in fear of a return to servitude, I have taken it upon myself to buck the trend and do what was previously unthinkable…I moved in with one of THEM. I’m not sure if it will help alleviate any situations that are occurring out there between annoying children and the parents who love them but, it will certainly give other parents a momentary escape to a land where parents sleep on couches and spend time in other people’s bathrooms.

It’s a land where children write checks to utility companies and worry about what the neighbors think. In this topsy-turvy world, children like a clean bathroom sink and vanity and they don’t like socks on the living room floor. Previously normal offspring will walk into rooms carrying an empty bottle of ketchup and say things like, “Why did you leave this in the fridge?”

There are as many ways to infiltrate this land as there are parents so HOW you get in is up to you. But once you’re actually IN your kids place, you need to slowly remind them that you are still the parent. If you raised them right, they will be putty in your hands but you have to approach them like a snake would…stealthily and without fear. Never attempt to claim any parental rights early in the Child as a Landlord relationship. It won’t work and can only serve to increase hostilities which are inevitable. A wise parent-tenant will minimize these hostilities and use them in a way that will eventually evoke guilt. What cannot be avoided must be manipulated in a way that makes it an asset.

Some people prefer to say it like this, “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” I’ve never liked that platitude because if you’ve ever tried to make lemonade, you know that the juice of the poor lemon is impossible to drink unless you have water, ice and a BUNCH of sugar. Sometimes you need to take the lemon and stick it in someone ELSE’S mouth to get it to work for you. That’s what I’m trying to accomplish today.

I need to find a way to retrain my daughter who has always been single. She lives alone and although she’s certainly a YOUNG lady…she’s also surprisingly set in her ways. As nurse, I was taught to approach a problem logically. There needs to be a rationale for everything I do or don’t do. I might forget a list of commands but if I understand what it is I’m trying to accomplish, it won’t matter. Now…if the stuff my daughter wanted me to do had any basis in reason, I could easily grasp her point and abide by her wishes. But some of her rules exist for tradition alone and those are tough to remember.

I can really get that lemon in her mouth if I try but it’s seem as though I can make her pucker with absolutely no effort whatsoever. I was pleased with that, it’s a bonus that I hadn’t even considered. For example…who would know that anyone could have 4 sponges at the kitchen sink…each with their own purpose? I’ll never memorize such useless crap so if I’m in a good mood, I ask her before choosing a sponge. Even if I AM in a good mood, sometimes I use the wrong sponge just for general purposes. You would too if you had to put up with a Child Landlord.

I’d love to have a video tape of my kid barking orders at me…but even if I had a camcorder, I wouldn’t have it on at the right time. My luck isn’t anywhere near that good. But, yesterday, during one particularly prolific list of my wrong-doings, I started keeping notes. This is an honest to goodness list of things that I heard from my daughter’s mouth yesterday…if I’m lying let lightning strike me where I’m sitting. Also, I double dare my daughter or anyone who knows her to accuse me of embellishing this list-o-comments:

1. “I hope you remembered to lock the door!”
2. “You left your purse in plain sight in MY car?! Are you nuts?!?!?! Where do you think you are? This is LOS ANGELES…HELLO! Someone could break MY car window to get to YOUR stupid purse, thanks for that.”
3. “You didn’t drink out of MY water bottle, did you?”
4. “Did you wash your hands before you did that? Well DID you?”
5. “So, you didn’t like my idea of keeping a sign on the dishwasher saying “Clean” or “Dirty”?
6. “I don’t like using someone else’s toothpaste so I bought you your own and put an “M” on the lid. Mine has an “A”.
7. “Are the clothes in the bathroom clean or dirty and what do you want to do about them?”
8. “You realize that we’re having company for dinner and that YOU offered to do the cooking…well they’ll be here within 2 hours and you’re taking a break now? Why did we just spend 3 hours shopping if you were just going to come home and take a break?”
9. “Could you NOT put the drink near my Gucci purse?”
10. “Here, the pink towel is yours, don’t use mine. Oh, and don’t forget, the hand towel in the kitchen is ONLY for drying your hands on. Don’t do ANYTHING else with it.”

I could go on and on and I’m sure that sooner or later I will add to that list…or should I say that my DAUGHTER will add to it. But for now I’ll simply enjoy the quiet that surrounds me. During down times like these, I like to think of my responses to my daughter’s copious edict barking. I’m wise enough to withhold retort for a more appropriate time. Responding to numerous commands given by a Child Landlord is dangerous if done immediately after the child gives the command. You risk an argument which is fine if you enjoy that sort of thing but I don’t. I wouldn’t mind a verbal altercation but there are too many loose emotions out there in the world. They make life, and verbal altercations, a bit too unpredictable. I spend too much time positioning myself to allow for anything as out of my control as an emotional female.

The only thing worse than an emotional female is a testosterone induced male stricken by love, grief or acrimony. I try to keep things at a low level around here, or anywhere else for that matter. My daughter is a lovely young woman but…let’s just say she’s part Italian. During our one and only “heated discussion”, she stood 10 feet away from me, naked as the day she was born…trying so hard to scream that her voice became distorted. A wild-eyed Irish-Italian redheaded woman…she looked me straight in the eye and screeched, “You’re crazy!” Her head didn’t spin but it looked like it wanted to.

Anyway, I need to go because I have a few things to do. While she’s gone, I think I’ll:

1. Use her toothbrush.
2. Erase all the messages in her cell phone and say it was an accident.
3. Scrub the entire kitchen counter with the sponge designated for pet bowls.
4. Eat a Nutter-Butter or two while drinking milk straight out of the container.
5. NOT brush the dog. Later I’ll claim that I did.
6. Let them hem out of her black and white dress…just a bit and then iron it so that she NEVER knows.
7. Let the cat walk on the refrigerator.
8. Walk on the carpet with my shoes on.
9. Eat a bunch of her Moosetracks ice-cream.
10. Write a blogpost that will make her laugh but will also leave her wondering exactly what’s on my mind.

She should be back soon so I better get started. See ya!