Posted by: anniewilson | February 5, 2005

TO THOSE WHO HAVE COME HERE TO SEE THE “PENIS”, IT IS BELOW THIS POST…

….For those of you who are just touching bases, yesterday I said that I would proffer some assistance with fights. And I shall now attempt to shed some light on that portentous subject. First, and most importantly, try to head a fight off at the pass. You can’t hear about it in the year 2018 if it doesn’t happen today. If you read yesterdays post, you should be paying attention to her demeanor for at least 5 minutes a day. If you perceive any subtle changes, start the I love you crap. Then, ask what is wrong, blah, blah, blah.

If you have waited too long and you hear a door, slam…OPEN IT! Knock first, ask, beg if you have to (remember your mission here), but don’t let a woman stew too long. Now, if you think that by YOUR going into a room, with or without slamming a door, anything will calm down…you are sorely mistaken. Stewing is bad if it is self imposed and it is very, very bad if it is initiated by the man. You better just go ahead and get it over with. Hopefully you haven’t waited too long and hopefully you are timing this stuff for future reference, but if you have failed to finesse the situation back into bliss and happiness before the climax of the Preliminary Phase of a fight, you will have to enter into the Activation Phase because now you have reached the point of no return. Keep in mind that for some men, if used sparingly, crying will get you BACK into the Preliminary Phase and headed in the right direction. (Feel free to bring tears into play in a pinch, it is great tactic if you don’t overuse it.)

In the early phases of activation, there is usually a volley of rapid fire verbal missiles but they are not well thought out and can either be embarrassingly mean or Rick-like stupid. Either way, it doesn’t matter, they usually miss their mark. But DO, and this is very important, make mental notes of what is said, some very interesting information can be unwittingly let loose at such times. Be aware that chances are very high that during this initial volley you will do the thing that you will hear about in 2018.

Now, if you pay attention, fights follow a pattern. “Blah, blah, blah“….now you both go to your mental corners and get some emotional water but no encouragement other than your pride. Now what are you going to do? Rick would get all mean and keep being mean even after I started crying and begging him to be nice and not to be mad. Yeah, I know I am an idiot, but follow me here. I noticed that he would continue to be mean as long as I continued to cry. So I pretty much stopped doing that. The point is that I noticed the pattern. It took years and a good bit of practice but I figured it out. You fight the same way for every different problem, basically. Do you know what I mean? And by the way, if she looks sad, you still have one helluva chance. And if you wait until she gets mad, well, you have to kiss ass sometime so just do it while she is sad, it will taste much better all the way around.

Some fighting DON’Ts…don’t bring up other women, I don’t care if it is her mother, your mother, my sister…NEVER purposely throw another woman into an already heated situation. Don’t…mention her flabby arms, if you are attacking your wife’s physical appearance, see ya on Jerry Springer. It is THAT stupid. Don’t ever, ever say you don’t love someone when you do. You can never take it back and it will never go away. Don’t pick a fight to have an excuse to leave the house and have some fun, it is cruel and it will get your wife angry. I don’t know about your wife, but I am not very pleasant when I am angry. I tend to get a little caustic at times.

(I use the word “caustic” in honor of Mrs. Mock at Fenton High School and her weekly vocabulary tests. Aren’t words wonderful?)

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