Posted by: anniewilson | February 6, 2005

Tips for me and you:

Here are a few varied tips. They all work to varying degrees. Remember, it works if you work it.

1. Never, under any circumstance throw an end table at your wife as she is running away from you. But if you should, HYDROGEN PEROXIDE gets out blood stains.

2. Never purposley put yourself into such a legal bind that you are always writing answers to interrogatories, notice’s to produce and signing release papers from jail. You will need to carry a pen and they can leak in your pocket. Should that happen, hair spray will get it out. You will need to use a lot of it so keep a spare can of really cheap hair spray for just this purpose.

3. Never give your wife a bloody nose. If you are a bully and a coward and this happens, as you are apologizing and saying that it was an accident, get some pork fat. Personally I prefer bacon fat. The salinity of the pork fat combined with the concept of isotonicity will cause the bleeding to stop. You should put a small piece of string or thread through it so you can pull it out as you actually have to put the fat into the nostril to stop the bleeding.

4. Never cancel the insurance on your wife’s car without telling her. She could plow into a hummer and you would be 50% responsible. Instead, be a decent guy and avoid being petty.

5. Consider the torque you use when applying it to ANYTHING. A pickle jar only has to be SO closed to work so don’t make it impossible for your wife to get a pickle in your absence. And if there is ANY POSSIBILITY that your wife will be unscrewing a screw, consider the neccesary torque required and do not apply any more than is absolutely neccesary.

6. Never get yourself into a situation where you have a good reason to fear for your safety. But if you find yourself afraid to be alone after you get rid of the bum, get a large dog. Hang a bell from the door, brush his paw on it every time you take him/her outside and he/she will learn to ring the bell when they want to go out.

7. Never knock the candle over instead of sitting down to enjoy an anniversary meal with your wife, but if you are just a jack-ass and cannot help yourself, take the table cloth and remove hardened wax with a dull knife. Place stain facedown on paper towels. Tackle from the back with cleaning fluid or dry-cleaning solvent. Still there? Treat with a solution of 1 tablespoon mild white hand dish-washing liquid and 1 teaspoon household ammonia in 1 cup water. Then wash according to care label in the hottest water safe for the fabric. (Thank you Heloise!)

8. Don’t sit on the couch and watch television for years while your wife is right there waiting for some attention. Before you turn to television and other women, give your wife one more try, she deserves it. But if television is the only way you spend your time away from work, keep dust off the screen by wiping it with a sheet of fabric softener. It will stop the static electricity.

9. Don’t be a moron and throw food at your wife. But if you do it on a regular basis, keep this thought in mind: Most spot removers are 2 parts water to 1 part rubbing alcohol. So, you could save a lot of money just making your own! Or, you could just eat your food like a good boy.

10. Don’t hit, cheat on, lie to, degrade and humiliate your wife. Especially while she is trying to recover from being REALLY REALLY sick, has no car and and no money. She will feel like there is nothing left to lose and might even start a blog about you and in it, have to ask for money. And then, when you go to court, you will not get the computer because she can honestly testify that it is her only means of support. I can’t tell you how to get out of this situation.

Now, my tip…the jar is at the top of this page. 🙂



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