Posted by: anniewilson | February 7, 2005

There is ALWAYS a catch

People keep telling me that there are a lot more fish in the ocean. Well that, of course, is true. But another truth is that fish are all slimy, they behave alike and they have pea-sized brains. And they all have eyes on either side of their heads so they can look at a passing fishette and Mrs. Fish will never be the wiser. (Fish are probably dumb enough to turn THEIR whole fricking heads too.) So why, I ask you, is THAT supposed to comfort me now that my most recent catch has broken the line from the weight of commitment? People should say, “There are a lot more geese in the sky.” That would make more sense as geese mate for life.

The similarities amongst many men can be astounding. Some of them seem to enjoy a good rumble but for the most part, they will go to any length to avoid an argument. And, in general, they will admit to something but only if the actual truth is worse than the thing they admitted to. Once they have told an untruth, they will go to the grave defending it no matter how many laws of nature the untruth defies.

They also, inexplicably, forget the directions to the local florist after marriage. They relieve themselves in groups and add one inch to their heights as a woman would subtract ten pounds from her weight. AND…I recently found out that they make character judgments based upon the pain inflicted by a handshake! I guess we can bewilder them as well, but jeez, put the seat down! No, we DO NOT look, we assume it is where we left it.

Logic would tell me to getteth myself to a nunnery but I am a hopeless romantic. This is somewhat embarrassing to admit, but yesterday I found myself crying during “Back to the Future”. Suddenly and unexpectedly, I became overwhelmed with emotion as I stood witness to young love and hope for the future as Marty’s hand and guitar playing capabilities came back from being erased from existence. Seeing Marty’s parents kiss for the first time was more than I could take. I actually reached for a tissue.

I wondered to myself, “What in the world is going on here? Could my age account for my surprising emotional breakdown?” I have been acting a lot like my mother over the past decade. She could evoke fond feelings for crickets and other disgusting creatures. She saw every glass as half full and every bum as unloved and probably had something to do with that “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing” Coke commercial.

Age, romance, loneliness, whatever. I do enjoy fishing and find the anticipation as exciting as the catch itself. I guess the important thing is to know when to throw a fish back. Of course, by then you have already put a hole in it’s mouth. I think we have all been thrown back a time or two and we bear the emotional holes in our mouths to prove it. Enough of them and you begin to act a little funny. We also share other painful experiences like paper cuts, pizza mouth burns and ice cream headaches.

But I have to admit that we women DO need you guys. I have never changed a tire in my life and I am not about to start now. I just stand in back of the car holding pieces of the jack looking confused. It works quite well, and the men that stop to help seem to get some enjoyment out of helping a damsel in distress so I don’t feel bad. It’s not like I am putting holes in their mouths.


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