Posted by: anniewilson | February 9, 2005

Dear Meg,

My boyfriend ogles every other woman that walks by when he is with me, can you tell him why it is wrong or tell me why it is ok?

Sad in upstate New York

Dear Sad,

The only time that is OK is when the woman has made it clear that she does not mind. A woman who doesn’t mind will, sooner or later, point out a pretty girl herself. If she does that, you SHOULD be OK with the same type of behavior. (But never ASSUME anything, hormones you know.) A man should either wait for a clue like that one or just ask. “How does it make you FEEL when the man you are with looks at another woman?” It should be one of those questions that you ask early on so that no one is serious enough to be hurt by the inquiry itself. But if it is too late for that, just go ahead and ask her. Tell her you were just curious. Feelings are neither good nor bad, they just are. If it makes you feel badly, he shouldn’t do it. It doesn’t make the woman unreasonable, it just truly hurts them, that’s all. And arguing about it only makes it worse. Just DON’T do it.

Rick did it constantly and blatantly and denied it EVERY SINGLE TIME except once when I told him not to insult my intelligence. He was very good at that. I don’t know why he eventually gave in and told the truth that time, it was the only time he ever admitted to ogleing although he did it consistently for 23 years.

For the record, it DOES make ME feel badly. It makes me feel as though I am not enough. After a while of that, you begin to feel as though you are even less than enough. When a woman feels less than enough, crazy things tend to happen so it is wise to make every effort to prevent her from feeling that way. (And, by the way, there is nothing a man can say, do or buy that would make a woman flip on one. It is a very strong, innate emotion.)

My request was that he not do it in front of me. I am not foolish enough to think he would avoid ogleing in my absence. But…when I am right there, please refrain. And…if a man should find himself in a situation where he just HAS to look, he should do so discreetly.

NOTE TO MEN: When a man ogles me while he is with another woman, I think he is a pig. I doubt I am the only one who feels this way.


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