Posted by: anniewilson | August 6, 2008

This post is rated O for…

“Oh Martha…get the kids outta here!”

Well…as any woman would…I tried to avoid this blowjob stuff off for a while. I didn’t know what to say about them so I sort of just put it off and put it off. Now, I just have to bite it and get this over with.

Blowjobs.

Oh…the blowjob. That thing that any woman can do to get a guy to hold still when all else fails. Oddly enough…it isn’t considered sex anymore.

Do you suppose Clinton would still feel the same if he had caught someone sucking on Hillary’s dick? I doubt it.

When I was a teenager…they made a movie about blowjobs. Well, actually I guess it was more about a lady who liked to give them. I won’t go into the details as not to ruin it for those who haven’t yet seen the movie Deep Throat. Linda Lovelace was a blowjob superhero of sorts back then.

She taught us all HOW to Deep Throat…but never made it OK to actually DO the Deep Throat without looking bad. How do you tell a man that he has to get down on his knees as you are lieing on your back with your head hanging off the bed without having him wonder how in the hell you knew how to do that? Most of us must keep our skills a bit of a secret for a while just so that men don’t start wondering how we got so good at it. So…without letting on exactly what we are capable of…we just do the regular, everyday blowjob where you just go down when the guy happens to be in a good position for reception.

Even just doing that, you run the risk of hearing this….”Damn girl, you suck a mean dick.” Sort of a reference of which, I have many.

A very long time ago I learned how wise it is for a woman to learn how to perform the ancient art of cock sucking. There are many, many different types of blowjobs. There is the “I just want you to get hard and climb on top of me.” blowjob that doesn’t last any longer than it has to…just long enough to get the dude ready for HIS work…not really anything you’d put too much time and effort into. It is rather utilitarian…it works well and is pretty damn efficient…but not too much fun. Of course…it IS a blowjob and it will get the job done.

Then, there is the everyday, “OK…so we’re having really good sex tonight.” blowjob. You have to put a bit of effort into that blowjob. It just occurred to me that my word processor recognizes that word, LOLOL…slut that it is. You don’t have to be too good to perform this particular blowjob…you just sort of do whatever you think you should be doing when you hear the word “Blowjob.” Of course, you have to suck….blow is just an expression.

Then, there is the…“OK…so you bought me a nice piece of jewelry.” blowjob. This takes time and knowledge of what a man enjoys. Yes…I do know that. I don’t know what in the hell you call all of those parts of the mighty penis, but I do have a pretty good working knowledge of what parts you do what to and how quickly or slowly, that you should be doing it if you want to make his toes wiggle. That one lasts a bit longer than the previous blowjob…and you have to put your neck in harm’s way to do it properly.

OK….one of the most annoying, yet Must Know’s of the dick sucking repertoire….the “OK…I’m here for the duration.” blowjob. Now…with this blowjob, a woman has to know a few things to avoid gagging. She must know how to recognize that toe wiggling and be ready to throw that bad boy way back into the deepest recesses of her mouth at just the right time. And…she should not be surprised by the salty, caviar-like nature of…the fruits of her labor.

Lastly and most importantly of all…is the Linda Lovelace “I really, really enjoy this crap” blowjob. I can’t go into things like that here…I must pretend not to know of such things for right now. My next husband might be reading this and then what would I do when he starts asking what I was talking about here? If I’m not careful, I could find myself doing this every single night of my life.

No woman enjoys that enough to do it every single night. But…we must all be willing to do it if we have to. You just never know when some guy will come along that’s worth the time and effort. Little else can get a dude coming back daily with flowers than a really good blowjob.

A few other things that you should know about blowjobs…always put your lips over your teeth as not to cause harm. No one wants a guy jumping around too much when he’s all the way…well, you get the picture. Also…you should learn to handle this without gagging. There’s a little thing that you can do with your throat to further that cause and it cannot be taught….that shit is just innate in some women.

Well, that’s about the best I can do with a blowjob short of actually performing one and there are just too many of you out there for that so this will have to do.

OK then….this has been a public service announcement from the American Blowjob Company.

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Responses

  1. And what brought this on? Very amusing, love the jewelry reference, funny; we had memorable sex the night I gave my then wife (now ex) a real diamond engagement ring, (couldn’t afford a diamond when we got married), seems like prostitution to me.

    good stuff, keep in coming, one wonders, does this beg a “pussy eating” rebuttal? What is the hip synonym for cunnilingus? giving face?

  2. LOLOLOL, I don’t know what brought it on, smetimes my mind simply wanders.

    But for you, tomorrow I’ll do one about “giving face”. LOLOLOL, you crack me up.

    Meg

  3. I’ll be looking forward to that, and if you need a male’s prospective of “giving face”, let me know. Not sure I have made any toes curl, but I have gotten some thighs to tremble.

  4. LOLOLOL…that’s pretty good, I guess. I’m not up on women’s tremblings. And when I might be trembling, I guess my mind is on other things.


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