Posted by: anniewilson | August 21, 2008

The Good Wife’s Guide

Good Housekeeping magazine dated May, 13th, 1955

On May 13th, 19555, Good Housekeeping Magazine published an list of do’s and don’ts wifes. At least they SAID that it was for wifes. I think husbands would have benefitted more. Anyway, after over 53 years, I thought that it was time for an update. So, I’m printing both lists. I’ve blended them together and listed the 53 year old tenets followed by the current marital equivalents:

* Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

2008-Think about dinner early in the day. Plan ahead make reservations for the good table by the window. Most men are hungry when they come home and if you plan dinner well, you won’t have to wash one damn dish.

* Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. HE has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

2008-Prepare yourself. Go to the local nail salon and have a mani-pedi so that you don’t have any hangnails. Put some cucumber slices on your eyes, you’ve just been a work weary person for the entire day. Put a ribbon next to the bed so that you can tie your husband up with it later.

* Be a little gay and a little more interested for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

2008-Be a little gay and ask your best girlfriend to go on a cruise with you. Your boring week might need a lift and you owe it to yourself to provide it.

* Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

2008-Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house and pick up any dildoes that you might have left lying around before your husband arrives.

* Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc and then run a dustcloth over the tables.

2008-Tell the kids to GET THEIR CRAP OF THE KITCHEN TABLE!

* Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

2008-During the warmer months of the year, have a bikini wax. Your husband will be much more comfortable eating his box lunch and after all, if you make it easier for him, he will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

* Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, elimintate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

2008-Get rid of the children. Take them to your mother’s house and let Grandma have fun. They are little darlings but no one wants them there all the fricking time. Minimize all noise. Turn off the computer, the TV and slam the dryer door so that no one sees the clothes waiting to be folded.

* Be happy to see him.

2008-Be happy he isn’t screwing some nasty co-worker.

* Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

2008-Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to serve him a furburger.

*Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

2008-Listen to him. Be sure that today’s story matches yesterday’s. Let him talk first, remember, his topics of converstaion can be very telling.

* Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

2008-Make the evening yours. Apologize if he had to wait 3 hours for you but just explain that there are some places of entertainment that you’d rather go to without him. Tell him that you live in a world of strain and pressure. Then tell him that if he doesn’t shut up, you won’t come home at all tomorrow night.

* Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

2008-Your goal, to get the bills paid so you can have some cash left over for a peaceful, tranquil vacation in the South Pacific.

* Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

2008-Don’t bother complaining, fix it all your damn self.

* Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

2008-Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner or even if he stays out night. Just kiss him as he leaves for work in the morning and then call your attorney. Then, clean out the bank accounts before he gets home from work.

* Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

2008-Get comfortable. Text message your hubby to meet you in the bedroom where you’re relaxing with a nice stuff drink.

* Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

2008-Arrange a pillow so that you can serve him that furburger without straining your back. Tell him to take off your panties. Moan in a soothing and pleasant voice, asking politely for him to “make you howl like a wolf”.

* Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

2008-Don’t ask him questions about his actions. Chances of getting the truth out of him are next to nothing. Remember, he is a man and as such will always tell you exactly what you want to hear. It’s no use to question him. Call Cheaters instead.

* A good wife always knows her place.

2008-A good husband never gets 2 orgasms up on his wife.

OK then. I guess we have the new rules pretty well established.

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