Posted by: anniewilson | August 22, 2008

Check out the versatile pussy!!! (With pictures of MY PUSSY!)

I remember when the natural look was what we women spent our hard earned cash to attain. I spent a lot of time, money and effort looking like I jumped out of bed all primped and ready to face the day. I’d like that, I hate make-up and I look frightening in the mornings. After my shower, I apply deodorant, baby powder and perfume…in that order. If I smelled like Obsession, I wouldn’t spray any on me. I wonder if our natural smell was all perfumy…would we eventually start to spray on body odors so that you would KNOW that we showered?

That made no sense and I am aware of that fact. But…that’s the very situation that we seem to have now. Of course, we don’t smell like perfume, but most of us are pretty clean and don’t smell like body odor either. So…since we silly females have gone and cleaned ourselves so well, we have to remind men of what we really smell like. For that reason, I introduce Vulva to you…a new perfume that is…exactly what you think it is:

 

 

I was going to post the link to the ad but it’s pretty hard core so if you want to, you can just look it up yourself. And I am not pulling one of those stupid jokes where I have everyone taking their cars to be fixed because of a muffler virus…you really will find a perfume that smells like funky female coochie.

It doesn’t say it smells like a “funky female” but what other kind of woman goes around smelling like…pussy? Only a truly funked up woman would make anyone standing next to her say, “Oh my…what is that…oh my…God…it’s…pussy!” And then you have those cologne whores who wear so much that they can stink up an entire office, bus or restaurant. I don’t want to eat my Grand Slam next to some bitch who follows any fishy fad that comes along.

That explains a few things. I was thinking that my ex could have done more to keep himself odor free but perhaps it was just a gift from one of his mistresses….”Taint for Men…The cologne that will remind her of the 69 you guys did last week”.

That’s all I need. I’m telling you right now, the next dude I do is gonna be one clean mother fucker. I don’t want anymore 69 surprises.

You know, you get quite a view from down there. And once you’re really into it…it’s kinda awkward to get out of in a hurry. You could open your eyes and see a tiny piece of man shit all dried up and hanging from an ass hair…how do you get out of there in a hurry?

I guess that’s the price we women pay for our struggle to stay on the bottom. I am so into the bottom that I once dumped a guy with a bad back because I couldn’t imagine a future with a dude who HAD to be on the bottom. There is no future in that…I don’t mind an occasional trip up top, but I don’t have the energy to take over the top spot in the lovemaking department on a permanent basis.

Oh well. I think I need a shower…but I’m wondering, like my fingernails, should I just take advantage of what God has blessed me with and go au naturale? Unfortunately, long, stringy, oily hair isn’t in yet. I think dudes can get away with it but chicks can’t.

I’m positive that my ex didn’t know about that pussy perfume. If he had I’m quite sure that I would have heard this, “A guy at work brought some of that new pussy perfume in to show us and he sprayed some at my face…I swear!”

I would LOVE to hear from the first wife out there who DOES get that excuse from a husband who comes from “work” without washing his face. (If you DO hear, “I was walking through Nordstrom’s and the perfume lady attacked me with her pussy spray!”…please email me. I want to write a book about your husband.)

Oops…I have to answer the door. BRB.

OK, I’m back. I was half expecting the Avon lady to come by and try to sell me a knock off on pussy spray. OMG! It just occurred to me that some company will come up with a cheap, imitation pussy perfume that Walgreen’s will sell along side of the real pussy perfume. The only thing worse than pussy perfume has got to be cheap, imitation pussy perfume.

I’m working on my own idea…Crotch for Men. I’ll market it in San Francisco first and if it goes over, I’ll take it national. Then, I’ll finish my other project, a unisex perfume for men OR women called Ass in an Atomizer. I’ve had to put that product on the back burner for now because the atomizer’s cost more than the Ass. Once I get some start-up capital, I’ll get it on the shelves.

I am selling stock so if any of you want to buy a few shares of my company, Funky People Fragrances Inc., just let me know.

 Two weeks later:

After I posted the pussy perfume piece, someone asked me how I came up with that stuff. I told her the truth…I don’t have to look far at all. Most of this crap finds me.

For example, today I was having a discussion about pussy perfume. Right in the middle of the pussy chit chat, my friend told me about another product that took me aback…a bit. I’m starting to get used to this stuff. One of these days I’m gonna come up with an idea and it’s people like the pussy perfume people who are my inspiration. If they can see their pussy dreams through…I can do anything. My ideas are no worse than pussy perfume. Or…something that many of you are unaware of…the Pussy Energy Drink.

Yes people, you read that right…a friend who was covering the Cannes Film Festival just got back and told me that whilst he was in France, he came across a new energy drink and it is, most assuredly, called “Pussy” and you can purchase it at PussyDrinks.com. Have fun.

Imagine…if Pussy has caffeine in it, I can give up my coffee and suck Pussy every morning instead.

If my friend hadn’t seen the product in France…I might not have taken reports of a Pussy Drink seriously. But I know this guy and he is 100% telling me the truth…the French are downing Pussy’s faster than we can keep up with them. And some man, somewhere is, as I type this, saying to a clerk somewhere, “How much is your Pussy?”

How would you like to see this shopping list posted on your refrigerator:

eggs
Biore’ nose strips
4 kumquats
2 pie crusts
Kosher dill pickles (Spears…not the WHOLE pickle)
frozen blueberries
a case of Pussy

I don’t know what Pussy tastes like…but I bet it would be bland. Maybe if they’d flavor it, I would try some. I might give lemon Pussy a try. Any citrus fruit flavored Pussy would be good.

I suppose some would like cherry flavored Pussy, but cherries are too sweet for me. I like tart stuff….I see no reason why I wouldn’t like a can of some seriously tart Pussy. Like my cherry vanilla yogurt and orange Italian lemonade…cherry Pussy would be all that I would have left in the fridge.

Ooh! Strawberry Pussy! I could throw some strawberries, ice cubes and some Pussy in the blender and I’d have a Pussy Icee.

Damn, the possibilities are endless. Pussy pudding. A Pussy colada or for when you REALLY want to get fucked up…a Long Island Iced Pussy. Once you have liquid Pussy, could Pussy Popsicles be far behind?

I wonder what’s in Pussy? What if some bitch on the assembly line gets funny and plays a joke on the entire Pussy sucking population? That’s dreadful to even think about. I can imagine doing that. But…I have to imagine that Pussy is just a name for an otherwise normal energy drink.

You know what’s next don’t you? The really scary thing is I know what THAT tastes like and I would HATE a salty beverage.

Another week later:

The perks of penning a blog are many. One of them is that when I write about someone, someplace or some thing…I often hear from the people involved. This morning I heard from the Pussy people and I couldn’t be more thrilled:

Hi Meg, I work in the marketing dept, email me your address and i’ll send you some samples!

You may or may not know this about me but I am a coupon addict. I clip coupons like crazy. I’ll starve to death before I buy something that isn’t A) on sale, and B) a double off coupon. Occasionally I’m lucky enough to find a store that is TRIPLING the coupons!

The only thing better than a tripled coupon is a free coupon…especially when I didn’t have to buy 2 of something to get the third one free. And, it seems as though I am in for some free Pussy. The Pussy people are sending me some samples. I doubt coupons would do any good because I haven’t seen the first can of Pussy on American shelves.

My friend who just got back from Cannes told me about it. Then I get a comment saying “…Pussy Natural Energy drink is indeed sweeping through France but also recently launched in the UK…” And you know those Europeans…if they can make money on us stupid colonists, they will. And why not? If every person who heard about Pussy tried it, the Pussy people would make a pretty ha’ pence.

Besides, who doesn’t want to be able to say that they have, indeed, sucked Pussy? I know I do. So far, I have not sucked one Pussy…although I have served it a time or 5,000. But seriously, I shall wait patiently for my Pussy.

Now, I hope those guys don’t take too long, I would hate to get blue tongue from persistent Pussy anticipation. Oh Jeez, I don’t know if I CAN wait…please overnight me that Pussy…I HAVE to have it!

Hopefully my Pussy will come soon. When it does, I’ll sit (or lie) back, enjoy it, smoke a cigarette and then I’ll come here and tell you about my Pussy and how it good it is.

I was just thinking that it’s a good thing that Anita Hill wasn’t drinking Pussy when she worked for Clarence Thomas. She would have had to testify that there was a pubic hair on her Pussy. Thomas’s people would have called for DNA and unless Anita hid that pube a la Monica’s blue dress…say in a heart shaped locket…if the pube don’t match, it wasn’t his snatch. Or is snatch specifically female? I don’t know…but you know who’s crotch I’m talking about. That Supreme Court dude and his crotch. Ooh, Judicial Crotch…now THAT’S something I’ve never had.

Speaking of crotch’s, have you ever watched a football game and thought to yourself, “There are a LOT of penis’s down on that field!” Then you look around and realize, “Hell, this place is crawling with them! Penis galore!” All they’d have to do is pull their pants down and we’d see all of the penis’s flopping around. Sometimes I look at a guy and think, “Nothing separates me from that penis except a small layer of cloth…if I really wanted to I could get at that bastard.” A belt buckle isn’t really good security.

OK. So I’m waiting for my Pussy. As soon as it gets here I’ll tell you guys all about it. I’m sure that it will be great Pussy, after all, it IS all natural.

UPDATE: I just heard from the people who bottle the drink Pussy. They would rather I not speak of “sucking Pussy” so I will abide by their wishes. They state that it is “very up market and clean”. I will respect the wishes of the company and will funnel my salacious efforts in other directions in the future.

3 weeks later:

I GOT MY PUSSY!!!!

 

My Pussy came today!

 

 Now, I’m going to ice my Pussy down and see what it tastes like! I’ll be back as soon as I cool off the hot Pussy!

 

20 minutes later:


I must say…Pussy is a lovely beverage. I may have mentioned a time or two that my favorite drink is 50/50…a grapefruit soda drink that I can buy in Chicago but that I never see down here. Pussy Energy Drink is like a mellower 50/50. It has a slight citrus taste that is perfect in the summer. Let me describe my virgin Pussy experience.

I ran to my mailbox, not thinking that my Pussy would get here yet, but rather that my alimony would. For all I know it is, once I saw my Pussy, I dropped everything else on the table…far too excited to do anything but get at that Pussy. That Pussy HAD to be tasted…before anyone else got at it. I wanted to be the first to get at Pussy…and barring any people who may have traveled to France or England lately, I believe that I AM the first person to get at this Pussy in the entire Southeast portion of The United States of America.

It’s almost 100 degrees here so my Pussy was rather warm and I was ALL sweaty so I decided to have my Pussy on the rocks. I had a friend who was here at the time and she asked, “Could I taste your Pussy?” I told her, “Keep you pants on girl, I haven’t had time to get the Pussy ready yet!”

We each held the Pussy in our hands (they sent me 4 Pussy Drinks) and caressed the outside while wondering what could possibly be in this brand new Pussy. I read the ingredients and noticed Milk Thistle. That was a bit scary…thistle doesn’t sound like something you would want in your Pussy. But I decided that since I had gone that far, I might as well just ahead and go all the way. So, I popped that Pussy and iced it down a bit. Then, I picked the Pussy up and looked at it with a look of a woman who has never had this experience before. I held the Pussy up to my face and sniffed it just a bit. It had such a pleasant scent that I quickly put it to my lips.

By this time I was so hot that I could feel the sweat dripping down my chest. Georgia can be one hot state in June! I sipped gently at first but once I got my first little taste of the Pussy, I had to start taking it more and more until I had finished the last drop of my very first Pussy.

I must say, I cannot wait for Pussy to come to America. When it does, be the first to get at that stuff in your neighborhood because I promise, Pussy is a wonderful tasting drink and I am going to save my other Pussy for my birthday. There’s nothing like a little birthday Pussy!

And to the people at Pussy Drinks…thank you so much for your Pussy’s. It really, really is a lovely drink and I’m sure that people may try it for the name, but they’ll buy it again because it really is a great drink.

Thank God. I would have hated to have had to say it was bad after the nice Pussy people went to all the trouble to send me that Pussy.

THE END.

 

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Responses

  1. VERY GOOD SENSE OF HUMOUR!
    I CONGRATULATE

  2. lol. the funny thing would be when your friends ask what you did all week you can just say “oh, sat around drinking some pussy and boy was it delicious!” love your stories.

  3. hi, i am


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