Posted by: anniewilson | August 26, 2008

Pillow talk and the Chicago Cubs

The Cubs are safely ensconced in first place in August so that means that I can actually talk about them. Every time I wanted to talk about them before I would worry that I would jinx them if I said one word. They hovered around a tie for a while. With a 5 game lead over Milwaukee, I have a BIT of breathing room.

I haven’t seen a Cubs game in quite some time and that’s not fair. They just came to Atlanta but I couldn’t afford to go. Who’s dick do you have to suck to see a Cubs game? I’d get really jiggy if the game was at Wrigley and included a beer at the Cubby Bear Lounge. I’d lick chode for seats right behind the third base dug out.

Yeah, I sure would enjoy a good Cub’s game. I don’t like seeing a slug fest because when the wind is blowing just so, those balls go halfway to Lake Michigan. I wonder if one ever actually landed in the lake? Wrigley isn’t far from the lake at all. Anyway, a slug fest is anyone’s race to 20 home runs. Of course, it is sort of fun to watch, but only if the wind blows for the Cubbies.

I used to have a crush on a really bad first base player named Pete LaCock…number 23. He sure was pretty. But none of them would do now…they’re mostly the same age as my kids. They may LOOK like real men, but baseball players are nothing but 20-somethings with big…bats. Nothing else.

They have no sexperience worth speaking of and not enough maturity to even know how to PRETEND to be classy. If done properly, a one night stand doesn’t HAVE to be a totally negative experience.

I’m sure that the guys in that age range are thinking, “How dare you say that! I’m a stud…I can go all night!”

Well dude, maybe you can. But did you ever ask a chick if she WANTED to “go all night”? My other ex would go so long that I would eventually fall asleep, wake up and wonder, “Is he STILL at it?” All night sex is highly overrated. I don’t care if you do have a .361 batting average.

I don’t know if guys realize it or not…but EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM says something to the effect of, “Let me show you what I can do, I promise, I’m the best that you’ll ever have. I’ll take you places you’ve never even dreamt of before.” They all use different words but basically every guy who is going to tell you about his love-making prowess is going to significantly inflate his own abilities. He may believe that he is good, but that just makes it worse. He wants to prove that he’s really, really good. Then he tries so hard for so long that you pretty much have to fart loudly to make him stop.

A nice big fart will get any self-respecting man off of a woman. Of course there’s those guys who don’t care and for that apathetic fart stance, he’s out of there on principal. There’s no farting in sex, I don’t care what they do in San Francisco. If some dude finds it acceptable…he’s OUTTA THERE!!!

Of course, I’m not talking about pussy farts. Those are a totally different situation. If some dude pumps a chick full of air, it WILL eventually come out. If you don’t know why, think of it like an air piston. You can’t blame a chick for a pussy fart…you pumped her full of air. I just hate it when a pussy fart could be mistaken for a real fart. You almost feel as though you need to mention it…”You know…that was a pussy fart, not a real fart.”

That would be rather awkward but not much more awkward than saying, “Could you move down a bit…my head’s banging on the headboard…thanks, now go ahead.” or, “You’re on my hair!” or the ever popular, “You’re smashing my boobs!”

Well, at least that kind of talk implies activity. All I ever said to my ex was, “Is it in?”

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