Posted by: anniewilson | September 5, 2008

TODAY’S MEWS…Stewie jailed

                                              "He got what he deserved"

It seems as though the rumors are true, Stewie the Cat has been sentenced to an indeterminate period of time behind bars for harassing his much older brother.

The older cat, McFly, couldn’t speak about the abuse but he was seen sitting on his master’s lap and shaking early this morning. When asked if he was OK, the obviously shaken feline just buried his head in his master’s right boob.

It was the master who witnessed the crimes being committed against McFly. Apparently Stewie was under the impression that he could make a speedy escape and then go into hiding again. The stealthy black and white cat has a history of hiding in small places, high or low, and he can stay in his hide-out for hours and hours. Reached for comment at her Marietta home, Master Annie said, “That sucker is a genius when it comes to hiding.”

But as fast and as slinky as Stewie is, he is no match for a mammal with opposable thumbs. After he had committed 3 previous acts of random violence against the much older, much fatter McFly within one hour, the master began to slowly shut off any possible escape routes through which Stewie might flee.

By the time he committed his 4rth crime, the fiesty feline with a long rap sheet ran to the living room and tried to run down the hallway from there. He found a closed door. Then, Stewie rapidly tried to exit through the door to the laundry room, but once again, he found a closed door.

Attempting to backtrack through the kitchen was his final mistake. As master had predicted, Stewie tried to run through the kitchen when he couldn’t get out of the living room. While he was running from closed door to closed door, master outsmarted the usually faster young cat by pulling a gate in front of the doorway to the kitchen. When he ran for the kitchen exit, he was cornered and then it was just a matter of picking up the crazed cat and tossing him in jail.

Master Annie made a citizen’s arrest on the scene and quickly adjudicated the case herself because if she had gotten the authorities involved, they would have used their authority and as Master Annie said, “Authority sucks.”

Stewie the Cat has had only one visitor since his capture and arrest. The Warden of the jail stated that Stewie was visited “by a huge, dangerous looking bull boxer, obviously strong enough to be the “muscle” for a crook like Stewie.” Asked why he let the bull boxer into the jail, the Warden said, “Would you say no to a dog that weighs more than you? It wasn’t worth the certain trouble of stopping the giant bull boxer when weighed against the potential threat created by allowing the dog in.” The bull boxer visited the cat without incident.

Reached for comment at his litter box office, Stewie’s attorney said, “I’ve spoken to Stewie and he isn’t happy at all. He said that the conditions in the jail are atrocious. He has nothing except an old blanket to sleep on, the floor is cold and hard, there is no carpeting in that jail! There are two napkins on the floor and Stewie can’t pick them up and throw them away because he has no trash can! He’s accompanied by an armed guard who carries Stewie IN arms to and from the litter box. It’s just so humiliating. He’s been given nothing but kibble and water to eat. There is no Fancy Feast served, nor are there any mid-morning Temptation treats. How is Stewie supposed to keep his teeth tartar free without his Temptations? You tell me, would you want your cat living under these conditions?”

When reminded of the victim in all of this, the attorney had no comment. Obviously, he can’t easily come up with a defense that would hold up in The Court of Paw. Judge Judy was rumored to have said, “He’s an idiot! He’s a bully and an idiot! If he were in my courtroom, I would lock him up and throw away the key.”

This is not the first arrest for Stewie. His master states that he’s been locked up a time or two in the past, but the genius of escape usually gets away and goes into hiding. It was during a recent similar attack that Master Annie came up with her plan.

“I said to myself, this has GOT to stop! There has to be something that can be done about these unprovoked onslaughts. I have opposable thumbs, I can beat this stupid animal!”

And with the opposable thumbs of a primate, beat him she did.

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Responses

  1. I can’t hold it in any more!! I love stewi!!

    Here’s a movie for Stewi:

  2. That was so cute! Stewie called the cat in the movie a wussy pussy but he did seem to enjoy it!


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