Posted by: anniewilson | September 25, 2008

Man Arrested for Anal Attack on Officer

Some mornings when I sit at my computer, I read the news before I write a post. Ever since I got that stupid DISH Satellite thing, I have had to get my news off of the Internet and out of the newspaper. Today I almost sat down and started writing something that I was thinking about at 2 AM when I woke up and watched an episode of South Park that I had Tivo’ed. But since I wanted to enjoy my first cuppa, I decided to read the news first today.

Violence against police officers is running rampant in this country and in the state of West Virginia, things are going from bad to worse. Jose Cruz (pictured) is leading the charge of many beer drinkers who are sick of being pulled over for DUI’s and refuse to take it sitting down on both cheeks. The DUI got Cruz pulled over but that was only the beginning of his crime spree. He actually continued his madcap escapades into the police station.

While sitting in the Finger Print room, it seems as though Mr. Cruz…let me see, I want to get this right…Mr. Cruz “farted on” one Officer Parsons. According to the criminal complaint, Cruz not only farted at the officer, he also waved his hand in attempt to push the foul smelling cloud of his own emission closer to Officer Parsons’ nose.

Although no video tape has been released to the public of the attack on Officer Parsons, apparently the beating went down like this:

Officer Parsons was preparing to fingerprint Defendant Cruz. He walked a full 4 feet away from Cruz as he began the fingerprinting process. At one point, Cruz aggressively and in a menacing manner, scooted the 4 feet down the bench, positioning himself into a more strategic location from which to launch his attack. Shortly thereafter, Mr. Cruz lifted his leg (the reports do not make clear which leg was used) and released what could only be described as extremely foul, pungent and repugnant gaseous discharge from his asshole.

Officer Parsons could not be reached for comment but Deputy C. Bumpkin was all too eager to support his colleague and granted this reporter a brief interview:

Q. “Deputy Bumpkin, what do you think of the onslaught against Officer Parsons?

A. “Well, you have to remember that this was a beer fart. And, from what I’ve heard, the defendant stopped at Taco Bell after he left the bar. A case could be made that this attack was premeditated. I think the practice of farting at police officers is simply evil and must be severely punished.”

Q. “Have you ever arrested anyone for breaking wind at you?”

A. “No. This is why it’s so important that this case is won. It’s already one great big fart-a-rama when you pick up a bunch of drunks on the weekend. If word gets out that it’s open asshole season on police officers, you’ll have people ordering pickled eggs and Poppers with their alcohol, just in case they should run into an innocent police officer. These people will arm themselves with some of the most hideous, malodorous and vile foods that they can. I wouldn’t be surprised if the black market became flooded with a pill to ensure that the wind the offender breaks is anything but fresh.”

Q. “What sort of defense do you think the defendant might launch?”

A. “There IS no defense! Did you hear that the man smiled as he assaulted a fellow officer?! Do you REALLY want such a cold-blooded farter walking the streets?”

Q. “I heard that there was another officer in the room. Do we know what HE had for dinner?”

A. “Are you saying that Officer Cook would have committed such a brutal attack on another police officer?!”

Q. “Well, it could amount to reasonable doubt in the minds of a jury, don’t you think?”


Obviously tensions are running high in the law enforcement community, but what do the people on the street have to say about this senseless crime? Here are a few comments from people passing the station earlier this morning after they were informed of the fart that was launched at Officer Parsons:

“I’d like to thank Mr. Cruz, what he did took a lot of inner strength. I tried to fart at a cop once and all that I got was Hershey Squirts.” (Jack E. Daniels)

“Well, I for one think it’s great that the officer arrested the farter dude! Now, my husband will think twice before he tells me to pull his finger. I’ll make a citizen’s arrest right there on the spot!” (Mrs. Billy O’Smelly)

“I think the cops should just give all DUI suspects a Bean-O tablet as soon as they blow above the legal limit. It should be mandatory, swallow the Bean-O or give up your license for one year!” (Connie Servative)

“A more important question would be, “How are these beer farts affecting the ozone layer? Maybe a huge tax on beer will teach those drunken farters a lesson!” (Libby Eral)

“I think they should give out special permits, like Handicap Stickers for parking spaces, to people like me. I have diverticulitis.” (Wendy Whiner)

Well, it looks like this is a case for the courts to decide. Mr. Cruz has threatened to have all of his drinking buddies show up in court in case the verdict should stink of unconstitutionality. Mr. Cruz’s attorney tried to give us a comment, but he was laughing so hard that his milk shake came out of his nose.


Read the entire criminal complaint here:


  1. Lol…blimey u did a lot of research for dis..poor guy tho..

  2. LOLOL, I just read the criminal complaint. I couldn’t believe that a COP would be so weak and pathetic as to turn a fart into a battery charge. What the hell is puking on a cop? Attempted murder?

  3. i think its unconstitutional for the officer concerned NOT to lay charges as clearly this citizen is flouting the law!the constitution recognises the rights of citizens to keep and bare arms,NOT GAS!

  4. Jan,

    I understand your point and it certainly IS a GOOD one! BUT…my problem with the arrest of fart man has more to do with proof. Until they come up with some sort of gas analysis-er thingie, they can never tell WHO’S fart it was! The guy could always say, “I smelled the fart so I moved away from Officer Cook, HE CUT THE CHEESE, NOT ME!”


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