Posted by: anniewilson | September 30, 2008

The story of my favorite fart

It may be for 8 year olds, and it may be considered rather low brow humor. But, fart humor is very popular. I’ve given fart humor a lot of thought as to why it isn’t really practiced as much as it could be after the age of 15. When I first began discussing farts, I was quite surprised at how much people liked my fart stuff. I always liked it myself, but who knew it would be so widely accepted? And the more I dive into farts, the more people seem to like it. I asked myself, “Why?”.

Why is it OK to laugh at fart jokes when I say them? Well, the best I can figure is it’s because I write them down. People read this one at a time. I’m not standing in a room full of co-workers opening with the story about when I was 8 years old and farted at the dinner table. But, I can do that here. I don’t really understand that, but that’s the way it is.

I remembered that fart from 1966 because it was the first time that I learned that farts could be controlled. I knew you could try to hold on to them, and Lord knows, I tried to hold on to that dinner table fart. But I was only 8. A baby. What could a little ass like me do? Even though eating stimulates peristalsis and you eat at the dinner table, you can’t fart at one. I knew then that I should probably keep that little gem to myself. There was just one problem…if I moved in any way shape or form, that fart was coming out. So, there I was, laid down on my chair and the empty chair next to mine in a contorted position, doing everything in my power to keep that stupid fart in.

Well, I must have twisted too hard or something because all of a sudden, in front of my family (who was already staring at me as I writhed and twisted like Linda Blair), not a sound could be heard…and all of a sudden….poof! Only they never really “poof”, do they? I just can’t even begin to spell a fart sound. You know what they sound like, especially when you’re trying so hard to hold it in…it’s like when you pull the ends of the balloon and deflate it to make that high pitched sound. You just get a really high pitched sounding fart. And, if memory serves, it lasted for a while. Of course, all of our traumatic childhood memories happen in slow motion so who knows. I don’t know what I got for Christmas in ’66, but I know that I farted at the dinner table on a Sunday afternoon. And I can tell you exactly what happened next.

Brothers did the “EEEEWWWWWWWWE….YOU CUT THE CHEESE!!!!!!!” and sisters gave a quick and terse “TSK!, you are so gross.” My mother ignored it totally, she farted all the time. But, my father, whom, I might add, I have never heard fart, said to me, “There are ways to do that so it doesn’t make any noise.” Then he picked up his fork and ate a bite of pot roast.

I doubt that he would remember this story, he’s 74 and doesn’t remember breakfast. But I do. That’s because I was rather intrigued by the notion that a fart sound could be controlled.

That was the day that I, a little 8 year old girl from the Chicago suburbs, began a lifelong quest….to never be heard farting again!!!!! The Dinner Table Experience was seared into my psyche. It cut me to the quick. I would never again lay on 2 chairs, twisting and squeezing together muscles that don’t want to stay squeezed together.

Oh, it took practice. It took years and years of arduous practice. And sometimes, even today I can fail at my quest. Oddly enough, the only time I fart out loud is in front of my father. But it’s not as though I WANT to. I just do. I wonder if my subconscious wants to fart at him? I don’t know why else it would happen so often in front of one person. I can imagine what he must think of me…I wouldn’t blame him if he thought that I walked around farting all the time. (I just cracked me up.)

But, I have to say, I am pretty good at releasing silent gas. I don’t have to do as many special exercises as I once did, but as I’ve gotten older, it’s occurred to me that I might want to start working out again because old people do seem to fart a lot. And they always act like nothing happened. Little old ladies might say, “Oh my, excuse me!” but then they just do it again. So, I should probably strengthen my fart muscles.

Of course, there is one time when I don’t want to silence my farts. My favorite fart is one that happens quite rarely. And then, even if it does happen, you have to be alone or in front of the person you’re sleeping with…or with my brother Wayne. My favorite fart is one that we all enjoy and I wouldn’t believe anyone who wasn’t impressed with the “Walking fart”.

You know, that fart that comes out every time you take a step? I love to see how far I can fart walk. I rarely make it past 5 steps but every so often, I hit 8. My goal is to control one fart well enough to fart walk for 10 steps. After that, I’ll set my goal higher and before you know it, I’ll be fart walking down an entire aisle of the grocery store!

And, by the time I get THAT good at fart walking, I’ll be so old that no one would say a word.

:):):)

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Responses

  1. Haha, good stuff 🙂 You know what is another kind of good fart? When a baby is surprised by its own fart. It is, really, the beginning of the whole fart experience.

  2. Ah, yes. When the world is new and empying ones bladder was simple. I wonder how old a kid gets before he puts the smell and the sound together?

  3. Great post! If you read my blog and watch my fart videos on youtube about the pooter then you will be able to accomplish the walking farts before you are old LOL Thanks

  4. Thanks that’s a good idea I do have it in a few gas stations in my home town.

  5. […] https://mywordandwelcometoit.wordpress.com/2008/09/30/the-story-of-my-favorite-fart/ Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)O.J. Simpson found guiltyNFLO.J. Simpson guilty in Las Vegas kidnap, robberyO.J.’s Lawyers Seek Racially-Diverse Jury […]


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