Posted by: anniewilson | October 9, 2008

Uh, cum on, anytime dude…

After ions of whining about women and all of our sex problems or what we’re doing to our men to cause their sex problems, we finally have a dudes sex problem that is not the woman’s fault! Retarded Ejaculation is not about a guy who ejaculates in an ear or some other inappropriate orifice, it’s when some guy takes so long to finish that it leaves “both lovers worn out and sore”. That adds a whole new meaning to “Love Hurts”, doesn’t it?

More people suffer from this disorder than you would think. The victims of retarded ejaculation will discuss it with their doctors, but they have a hard time getting their husbands to go in for treatment.

The causes of R.E. are many, but I have to say, I find one of those causes amusing. It seems as though a “male’s masturbatory patterns may also impact his game. For example, if he’s used to going at it very fast when he’s solo, he may have trouble adjusting to slower paced sex.” So, apparently some men ruin themselves for women by going nuts (no pun intended) whilst pleasuring themselves. I just HAVE to know what the hell these guys are doing to themselves that’s so bad (or good) that they can’t appreciate a nice poontang.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen this particular affliction although my first ex could go for hours. There was nothing at all fun about that, but he did it on purpose. Nothing about him was sexually retarded except for for the amazing frequency with which he would masturbate. He did it so often that he didn’t even bother pulling the door all the way shut. I could watch and wait for just the right moment to walk in and look for “that picture with both of our mothers in it”. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

The article that I read (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,433509,00.html) stated that, “Most men who have this problem say it takes them at least a half an hour of extremely vigorous thrusting before they make it to home plate.”

Can you see what’s wrong with this sentence? YES! If he’s already thrusting a chick, he IS on home plate! Penetration is like tagging up…it doesn’t matter whether you run into the dug out or stay in the batter’s box, you’ve scored.

My most recent ex and any other “goal-oriented man can reach orgasm in less than a minute after erection if he is masturbating or is not trying to please his partner.” But men with retarded ejaculation can go at this “vigorously” for a long, long time before they finally do reach their “goal”.

I had already decided not to accept anymore “Minute Men” and now I can just write ejaculating retards off of my list as well. This is great! I’m developing standards!

The only thing that a guy could do that would get me in the mood for such a sexual marathon would be to give me his American Express for the day BEFORE the sex. Ooh, yeah baby, that feels real good. :):):)

Of course, my fuckbuddy is just so good at his job that I always order him Papa John’s when he comes over. He loves pizza and I love his entire Daniel Boone outlook on sex. He never goes too long, too short or too soft. And, his penis is normal. I like that. Twenty five years of that bent dicked dude was hell on my lower back. Imagine trying to line yourself up with some twisted dick that seems to have a mind of it’s own. Sometimes that fucker even folded over on itself. I probably should have splinted that thing but I couldn’t figure out what to splint it with.

Damn! I just thought of the perfect thing…Popsicle sticks. Of course, I would have sanded down the side facing me, I wouldn’t want any splinters from his splint.

OMG! It just occurred to me that a fucked up dick could be attached to one of those retarded ejaculators! Whew, what a nightmare! And if on top of that, if I had to climb up on top of that football dude who could only have sex flat on his back, I have to say, zucchini might start looking pretty good.

That possibility alone is the perfect argument for pre-marital sex or at least excellent grounds for divorce. The judge would ask why you’re divorcing the man after 2 days of marriage and you would say, “He’s a retarded ejaculator with a bent dick who can only have sex on his back.” And then the judge would say, “Divorce granted. Next!”

You know what? Just in case, I’m asking a few questions from here on out. Far too many men have Viagra or Cialis in their medicine cabinet. I don’t want to get stuck with a retarded ejaculator, I KNOW I wouldn’t want to come across one of those 4 hour hard ons.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. Hahaha, please don’t use any popsicle sticks for that. Is there something about Daniel Boone and sex that I don’t know about? Please don’t tell me it has something to do with his hat.

  2. A buddy of mine ejaculated on a retarded person…is that what you mean?

  3. Not exactly, but I probably wouldn’t want to date your buddy either. Too bad, he really does sound like a fun guy!

  4. No, Daniel Boone was a noted explorer. He went EVERYWHERE and he was resourceful enough to survive in the strangest of environments.

    🙂

  5. […] bookmarks tagged vigorous Uh, cum on, anytime dude… saved by 2 others     narutofan123x bookmarked on 10/09/08 | […]

  6. Good choice…he is a real tool

  7. LOLOLOL, I can imagine!

  8. This has been a great read! Had to subscribe to the rss !! After the long shitty day I have had this was the iceing on the cake!

  9. You know…the way you put that sort of implies that this post was the last of many crappy things to happen to you today. I know how you meant it, but try reading it again.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: