Posted by: anniewilson | October 18, 2008

Mirror, mirror on the wall…who’s the stupidest of them all?

I was lying in my bed this morning trying to wake up and think of something to write about today when my dog noticed that I was awake. He immediately started trying to get me to play with him. Like an idiot, I did it.

While we were goofing around, it occurred to me that it could be a bit dangerous but I didn’t think about that for too long. Then, I decided to play peek-a-boo with him and I pulled the sheet over my head. I should have pulled the sheet, blanket and comforter all over my head because the sheet really isn’t any protection when it’s blinding you to the huge dog in front of you. I had no reason in the world to think that he wouldn’t step on me. I don’t know why I did what I did.

All of a sudden it felt like somebody punched me in the nose. I don’t know what part of his body hit me (sheet over face, remember) but it had to have been one of the harder parts. Ever since my brother broke my nose while we were fighting, it’s been a bit sensitive to blows TO it, not from it. I was at a serious disadvantage that time as well, I was on the floor in a sleeping bag. I didn’t have a chance to protect myself either time.

Luckily, I don’t get hit in the nose very often, but when I do, it hurts like a Martha Tucker. This morning was no different. You know that moment following an injury where you hold still while you assess the damage? You try to figure out if your injuries are manageable or hospital material. I had a pretty long one of those moments after that blow to the nose. You can probably imagine it, I was still on my back only now my hands were cupped over my nose waiting for the imminent flow of blood that I was sure would be forthcoming. It never did come so eventually, I decided that I couldn’t be hurt too badly if there wasn’t any blood so I just sat up and went to make a pot of coffee.

I thought, “Maybe I can write about stupid things that I do!” So, that was the plan until I read a story that put my stupidity to shame. It seems as though a group of Iranian people wanted to win something. Luckily, this time it was not a Jihad. All these poor towel heads wanted to win was a Guinness World Record for the world’s longest ostrich meat sandwich. That sounds downright American, so you can’t blame them for trying.

But, there were a couple of mishaps along the way as “Event organizers stuffed the 1,500-meter-long sandwich with 700 kg of ostrich meat and 700 kg of chicken…” The first and most obvious gaffe was the fact that they didn’t have one long piece of bread, they had hundreds of normal sized loafs of bread. If I stacked all of my ex husband’s on top of each other, could I have the tallest asshole in the world?

Anyway, the sandwich (or sandwiches, whatever) was finished and “as the sandwich was being measured, chaos ensued.” Apparently, that was all the food in Iran because a huge crowd of Iranians overtook the sandwich people and ate the potentially prize winning lunch. “The giant snack was gone in minutes, a Reuters witness said, leaving the three Guinness representatives present with a dilemma.”

A dilemma? What’s the dilemma? I’m quite sure that there are certain rules to be followed. Unfortunately you can’t find them online, you have to buy a Guinness book and send away for the packet of papers that you will be needing to set your record. So, I’m not sure what it says about setting records in nuclear third world countries full of hungry people who have no table manners to speak of. But I would think that you would have to have ONE sandwich, it should last AT LEAST long enough to be measured and I doubt that “video footage of the sandwich” would be acceptable evidence of that particular feat. Those pesky rules are not stopping those Iranians. They’re certainly a determined group of Muslims. Considering the twisted determination of some Iranian’s, perhaps we should just toss the record at them and run.

I’m sure that some Italian guy from Chicago would be itching to break the bogus record so it wouldn’t stand for any length of time. Of course, after doing so, the Italian dude would probably want to remain anonymous. It’s no fun hiding from a billion Muslims, just ask Salmon Rushdie.

One way or another, what the Iranians did was dumber than what I did…today. Even if you think that one person allowing a dog to punch them in the nose is pretty damn foolish, I didn’t have 50 team mates helping me get punched in the nose. So, the Iranians win the Mass Stupidity Award…that’s something anyway.


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