Posted by: anniewilson | October 23, 2008

Oops, it’s AARP.

You know, ever since AARP started sending me crap, I’ve been forgetting things that I once was sharp enough to remember. For example, last night some director dude called to ask me to do a job on a Disney movie that’s filming here in Atlanta right now. They’re hiring me as a technical advisor and they need me to wrap someones head up so that only his or her eyes are showing. They happen to be filming at the same abandoned hospital where I worked on Drop Dead Diva so I know where it is. That’s pretty much all I remember.

He didn’t say too much more…but he DID mention the name of the movie twice. Right this moment, I couldn’t do it once.

It doesn’t really matter of course, it doesn’t affect my job one way or another but it would be nice to be able to look up who I’ll be working with. For all I know it could be anyone from Johnny Depp to Carrot Top. I hope it’s not Carrot Top, I wouldn’t be able to restrain myself from mocking him and I would look like more of a bitch to the nice people who hired me.

My brain just seems to be doing it’s own thing now, it doesn’t listen to me unless I speak sternly and clearly to it and tell it to remember something in particular. That usually works but my brain doesn’t seem to have the ability to multi-task anymore. If I was walking into my house carrying bags, I would put the keys down before I put the bags down. Then my brain would follow me to my next chore instead of making a note to remember where I laid the damned keys. Then, the next time I left the house I would end up climbing in my bedroom window, still wondering where the stupid keys are.

This is happening faster and faster as more and more AARP “literature” comes to my house. It can’t be a coincidence. The thing that scares me the most is the fact that, sooner or later, I will get the letter that makes me succumb completely to AARP and I won’t even WANT to warn people. I figure that will happen if I join any AARP clubs so I haven’t. I don’t even open the letters anymore. Who knows what sort of tiny brain tissue eating bugs are out there? I never saw those hideous chiggers that ate me up this summer but they sure did some damage. So, evil lurks, whether you can see it or not and I am telling you, evil is lurking in an organization that, sooner or later, will get us all.

I’m pretty sure that the government is in on it too. How else would AARP know where I was? The government had to have told them. Also, who but the government could have created such a tiny thing to suck our brains dry? This could get really scary.

You should be careful if ANYONE in your house is receiving the AARP brain eating things. I don’t know if it’s inhaled or if it is absorbed through the skin so do not so much as TOUCH those innocent looking envelopes.

I do have one theory. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and I promise to keep on investigating this “Logan’s Run” plan that the government is trying to use to make us idiots. I surmise that the “bugs” that they’re using are absorbed through the skin. But since it doesn’t seem to affect people who are not named on the envelope, I figure it has to be something different about the skin of the victims. I looked down at my hands and saw those stupid liver spots. Yes, I think the toxin that AARP sends us is one that is absorbed through liver spots.

That’s why they’re called “liver” spots. If everyone is busy wondering why they’re called liver spots when they have nothing to do with your liver, they would be too busy arguing about the appellation “liver spots” to even wonder if the damn things could be a weakness in our defense systems.

The damage that the poison does usually follows a pretty strict order. At first, you start telling the same stories over and over again, with no memory of having ever told them before. The only way that you even know that it’s happening is your kids constantly say to you, “I know, you’ve told me that story 16 years ago at the MC Hammer concert”. I didn’t even remember going to the Hammer concert, how could I possibly remember what I said there? As the years go by, the “repeat story telling thing” gets pretty bad. After about 20 years of AARP literature, a person will tell the same story over again more than once a day. I’m just telling them over again a couple of times a year so it’s not too bad yet. But, it’s an obvious sign that AARP has been in my house.

Another symptom is the constant losing of keys and the like of which I spoke earlier. It starts with losing keys and before you know it, you can’t find the mustard you just bought. Then, one day when you’re in your medicine cabinet looking for your Ben-Gay, there’s the Plochman’s!

The obvious solution to losing things is to put them someplace special “that you won’t forget”. Now, it’s out of sight and you can’t find it to save your life. You basically spend a good bit of time hiding things from yourself and then looking for them all day. It’s very non-productive, do not fall into that trap!

At some point your brain just begins to slow down. You’ll notice this when you’re watching Jeopardy. You either take too long to remember the answer or you totally blank on something that you’ve know all your life. Heck, I can’t remember all of the Osmond Brother’s names. There was a time when I was master of all things Osmond. Now I can only remember, Donny, Jay, Alan and Merrill. I know there’s another one and it’s not Jimmy, it was one of the original 5. Whatever, you can see how annoying this could be.

The best that I can do to explain what it’s like to have the AARP syndrome is to say that it’s like being marijuana high 24/7. It’s a buzz that won’t go away and will only become more intense as long as AARP stuff keeps coming to your house. If young people knew about this, they might not bother getting high. They would take advantage of the time that they have with a brain unaffected by AARP. There’s always time to be totally wasted after a few years of AARP syndrome.



  1. Sorry about AARP ,I turned you in,but they do have a nice magazine to read in the john.

  2. You unimaginable bastard!

    I read encyclopedia in the john. I figure why not use that time to learn stuff. I have the J book in there now. I just read about Andrew Jackson and his presidency.

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