Posted by: anniewilson | October 25, 2008

Cell phones and Windex

I still haven’t figured out how to get the videos OR the pictures off of that stupid camera. I am not at all happy about that. I may not be able to make newfangled stuff work, but if society somehow lost all of that technology, I would be able to survive.

I’m very, very resourceful. I’ve mashed potatoes with a heavy ceramic cup, I slowed down the brake leak in my car with a coat hanger and some folded newspaper, and I’ve used eating utensils as every tool that a person could possibly need. But I can’t figure out a cell phone to save a life. I don’t have one, I don’t want one and I won’t ever be getting one. I couldn’t imagine what would be so important that I would want to give up my Target seclusion. Besides, you can’t do two things at the same time without letting the quality of one of them suffer. So, either you have a lesser chat or you shop poorly or both.

I need to be in full shopping mode to shop properly. Occasionally I might smack into another person in their own shopping mode…and I don’t mind that. I understand how it could happen. BUT…I do NOT like being smacked into by nit wits with cell phones hanging off of their heads.

Cell phones are supposed to make the world smaller but when you’re shopping with one, your world is too big for the task at hand. THAT’S why cell phone people smack into you. If passing them in frozen foods is any indication of their driving skills, I would hate to meet them in an ice storm. Usually when they screw up, the cell phone drivers can slam on their brakes and say “Oops!” That won’t work in an ice storm.

And when I’m driving, I want to be able to curse at the other drivers and do the Chicago arm flip thing that I learned from my Italian ex-in laws. You can’t do either one of those things with a cell phone in one hand and a steering wheel in the other. You can’t do the arm flip because you couldn’t speak while you were doing it. And sooner or later, you’d probably just throw it in the back seat anyway and you can’t curse at people because you aren’t on top of the situation. You can’t see other people screw up anymore than you can see yourself right before you screw up.

And another thing about cell phones, they’re putting the makers of those pink phone message things out of business. Sure, everyone HAS some, but they don’t use them at the rates they used to and that’s really where the profits are. Some of those message makers got smart and started selling Stick ’ems, just tiny blank pieces of paper that stick to stuff. What a marketing ploy that was…almost like the Pet Rock only some people actually use the sticky papers. And I suppose the different sizes make a difference to someone. But why do they need to spend extra money to make the multi-colored ones? If you have Stick ’ems, that means that part of your hard earned money went to a company that makes die for little tiny pieces of sticky paper.

I don’t like messages anyway, whether they’re written down or spoken into a machine. I ignore more phone calls than I take and I see no reason to take that show on the road. It’s annoying enough to have political computers calling me at home, I know I don’t want to hear from them while I’m going 80 miles an hour in a 40 mile an hour zone…DUH!

My daughter wants me to have a cell phone, but only so that she can get in touch with me. At least that’s what she says to my face. I bet she really just wants me to have something hanging around my neck that I can squeeze and then say, “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.”

I suppose she be happy to see me with one of those Blue Tooth thingies but I’d be afraid to stick anything into my head that’s in any way aimed at my brain. God knows what they could fire into our grey matter with Blue Teeth.

You know, with all of this new technology, you would think that mankind could come up with a better idea than warfare. It seems to me that you could just stick a great big umbrella over a country so they couldn’t get any satellite communication. Then, like I kill the clover in my backyard, you could cut all of their cables so that they couldn’t even watch CNN. Don’t you think that they should be able to come up with some sort of force field umbrella thingie that would shut down communications? That’s even better than a bomb that comes through a door instead of damaging the walls when it comes in your house.

Sometimes I think I could use a robot to clean my kitchen every day but then I think that I would just clean up after it anyway. I don’t trust dishwasher technology that’s been around for as long as I can remember, how could I trust a robot? If I wash the dishes before I put them in a dishwasher, I’m sure I would just follow the robot around with Windex and a roll of paper towels. There’s nothing in the kitchen that you can’t clean with Windex and paper towels…except the dishes of course.

But, since I don’t have a robot, I guess I’ll clean the kitchen. I should have done it last night but I fell asleep early. But then I woke up at 4:30. If I hurry, I can get the house clean before the sun comes up.


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