Posted by: anniewilson | December 17, 2008

The Other Woman

I’m really annoyed over something and it’s not the sort of situation that would be improved by committing it to the Internet. But I must say, it’s left me feeling quite premenstrual and right now, that shouldn’t be.

I found the cure for those homicidal feelings that all women get a day or so before they send their husband’s to the store for Tampons…Xanax. It’s a wonderful little pill and all men should get a bottle of it so that they can whip it out and slip it in their wife’s soup once she begins showing the signs of morphing into the “Other Woman” inside of each one of us…Maxine.

Maxine is a nasty little woman. We realize that, don’t we ladies? But we can’t tell that to the men and we surely can’t let them think that they can blame a damn thing on Maxine. She pops up every so often and like a tiny little cheerleader in our brains, she eggs us on to do things that she may or may not apologize for later. Maxine absolutely cannot handle finger pointing, if you accuse her of causing any problem you will incur her swift and immediate wrath.

When she is here, her main job is to scan all sensory input looking for a weakness to exploit. Most weaknesses are found around men and people who answer phones and make change. The men ask for it, the phone people and cashiers do not, they’re simply easy marks. It’s rather sad what Maxine does to those poor people. They rarely, if ever, even see Maxine coming.

She’s usually quicker than a blitzkrieg and more explosive than Shock and Awe. And, as the latter term denotes, you do sort of stand in awe, no matter how shocking Maxine may appear. I myself wonder where she gets the nerve to say things like, “These damn fries are cold and I didn’t order this Apple Pie you cretin!” and, “I asked you not to do that anymore, are you ignoring me or do you simply not care enough to respect my wishes…huh? Which one is it? It HAS to be one or the other…TELL ME…Are you IGNORING me OR Do you simply NOT CARE enough about me to RESPECT…my…WISH-ES?”

Maxine doesn’t take much pleasure in the torturing of cashiers and phone people, but she usually enjoys watching a grown man squirm a bit. She sets up Nancy Grace-like questions with absolutely no good answer and then pounces upon the poor guy as he reads Parade Magazine. Or, she simply messes with their minds. Maxine was here the other day when I was shooting pool. One of the guys from the other team was practicing before we started and he was trying to set up a shot with the pool cue behind his back. Maxine shouted to him, “Hey! You can’t do that anymore!”

That ding dong stood there shocked for a moment, and I was just in awe of how quickly Maxine made that boy jump off that table and move that cue to his front side. Maxine had me laughing so hard that it gave her away. There was no reason to bother that kid…she did it simply for her own amusement. And…I must admit, I am drawn to her because I have the same sense of humor and I have to say that I, myself, enjoy watching Maxine at work.

Being single, I don’t have a regular dude for Maxine to pick on but that’s OK. She had to adjust just a bit. It’s true that she can’t do an insidious type of torture, she doesn’t spend enough time around any one dude. BUT…she can just make the best of the time that she has. So, she quickly and unexpectedly spits out some really good stuff. Anything to get that look of shock on a guy’s face…if all else fails there’s always, “Blow me!”

Well, that didn’t help. I’m still all pissy. Oh well, maybe just one more Xanax…

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