Posted by: anniewilson | December 24, 2008

Happy Holidays!

I can’t take it anymore.Just because I’m giving up the responsibility to that bear, don’t think that I will now begin starting any forest fires. I will still do my own little part. But, as to the rest of the forest, I abdicate to a younger person somewhere, anywhere. Just leave me the hell out of it.

I don’t even remember the last time I was in a forest. Do they still have them? They had one in Elk Grove Village Illinois when I was a kid but I can’t imagine that still being there. It would be worth far too much as commercial property of some sort. It’s a bitch that it could be gone, but at least it didn’t BURN down. I wonder if it matters to Smokey whether the forest is burned down or if it’s bulldozed down? That’s a tough one because Smokey is rather mysterious. He’s a man of few words so he’s hard to read. But…he specifically mentioned “fires”…and he wore a cool hat, but it probably wouldn’t have helped him if a bulldozer landed on his head so he must not have been worried about them at all.

Maybe if he had given ME a hat, I could bear this burden a bit longer. But I never got so much as an official badge or anything and if fire fighters get one of them, then fire preventers should get one too. After all, it’s better to prevent a fire than to fight one…right? I would think so. But I never did get a badge. Just a stern warning about me being the ONLY one who can fight forest fires.

That bugged me when I was 7 and it bugs me today. I don’t know what else to do. Maybe if I lived in Bumfuck, but I don’t, I live in a pretty good sized metropolis. We have trees, I can prevent a tree fire, but I’m really too far away from Bumfuck to be of much help with any forests that might be out there. The pressure is too much and after all of these decades, I think I can feel pretty good about stepping down. Maybe a gold log would be in order…even a box of truffles would be nice. But I’m just too tired to keep on shouldering all of this responsibility. I have too many other pressing matters at hand.

You know, it’s all that I can do to keep my house from burning down. Electricity scares me. I’m all alone so if any circuits break, I have to fix them and I have no fricking CLUE what a circuit is. This is an old house and if the electric stuff is as messed up as the plumbing stuff is, I’m really unnerved. I’m not at all afraid of water, except as it relates to electricity. I could handle a plumbing disaster. But an electrical disaster would be quite challenging. I wouldn’t have a clue what to do and as soon as I started to run away, I would think of something that I need to grab and I would keep running back and forth because every single time, I would remember something else that I needed. That’s not really a good strategy so I should probably try to prevent that. I just don’t know what to do about stuff behind walls and from what I can figure, that’s where they keep the electric stuff.

I talk on a rotary phone and my coffee pot is from the early 60’s. You should take a walk into the past and come visit me in my museum of old stuff. But understand that I’m not preventing forest fires any longer and I live in a fire trap. But you should be OK…just don’t ask for coffee.

Well, Smokey, I hope this letter finds you and yours well at Christmastime. I don’t mean to add to any burdens, but I’m just a mortal woman…and I’m still in a suburb. And, seriously, I have some rotten luck…I can’t expose the forests to it. Right now I am consumed with the overwhelming feeling that merely writing about fires will spark one in my home. Damn it. Now I need a pill.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanuka, and a great big warm hug to the black people holiday. My mind is blanking right now…but it’ll come to me…OH YEAH! Happy Kwanzaa!!!

The pressure is just too much for me. For WELL over 40 years now, this bear named Smokey has been annoying the hell out of me and today I saw his face one time too many. The camel’s back is broken and I can’t handle the pressure anymore. Apparently, for some reason that I cannot fathom, ever since the 60’s, I have been the only one who can prevent forest fires. I’ve done my best, even when I was 7 years old and living in a suburb of Chicago…I did what I could. To my knowledge, I have never started a forest fire.

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Responses

  1. Maybe if you’d tried harder, Oprah’s home in California would not be a pile of glowing cinders. I hear what you’re saying about those annoying well-intentioned cartoon characters. I hope McGruff the Crime Dog has a terrible Christmas. But I wish a good one to you

    • See, this is what I’m talking about. I don’t even have her address! I could stalk her and get it, but then I’d have charges to worry about. I’m just so over that annoying bear, don’t even get me started on that canine. I know a few things about him that would blow the lid off of his little anti-crime scam!

      : )


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