Posted by: anniewilson | January 13, 2009

Nipples and Old Friends

Sometimes I get really, really bored

Sometimes I get really, really bored

Yesterday I turned my heat off. It was actually getting too warm in my house so I just cut it off. Then, I forgot about it when I went to bed. By the time the dog wanted to go out for his middle of the night pee, the right side of my face was pretty damned cold. The thermostat said 54. I don’t think it was that warm. Now I have it up to 64. That’s not bad if you come in from outside but it’s certainly not barefoot warm.

When I got back in bed, I turned to the other side of it and grabbed a buddy and decided to turn him on. In the lack of a big warm blob for me to spoon with, I just use a heating pad. The blobs are nice, but you have to feed them in the morning. I’ll mix some kibble into a can of Alpo but I’m not frying eggs when I wake up. The heating pad works just fine and the dog doesn’t seem to mind the heating pad as much as he would a real live big warm blob.

My ex was a good blob but sometimes he didn’t smell just right so that was hit or miss. Most guys at least wear Mennen…as I said early on, his sudden interest in personal grooming gave him away so badly that it should have been prima fascia evidence of an affair. The daily tooth brushing was the first sign, before long that nimrod bought clothes without me…something he hadn’t done since we met. What a dufus.

Anyway, between the dog and the heating pad, I’ve pretty much replaced the need for that blob. I’m not cold at night and I have a friend who never runs off with trailer park trash.

I saw some guy was advertising to “Rent a Gent” or something like that. I guess he’s one of those fixer types that I never seem to marry. I had one and called it my son, but I never married anyone who knew anymore than I did about most things. All I lacked was the physical motivation and men seem to come pretty well equipped with that stuff so I just let them do what they do…work. I wouldn’t ever rent a guy though…all you need are boobs. Why the hell would I pay someone to do work when I have 2 perfectly good tits right here on my chest? Hell, if I got implants I could probably get my kitchen redone.

I haven’t bothered with implants and I don’t know why. I guess it’s because most men have said that they didn’t like them. Even if you do it for yourself, you don’t like knowing that most of the men fondling your ya-ya’s would prefer your natural old knockers. I don’t anyway. Besides, it’s like a tattoo. If I want one, I can always get one. If I don’t, I’m good. But for now, I don’t have implants, tattoos, more than 4 piercings (all on my earlobes), horns OR a cell phone. And, there’s none of those things that I want. Hell, I still have pubic hair and apparently that’s like my rotary phone, outdated and too much work for the fingers.

By the way, I can’t run off without saying something to Hickey Dude.

You seem to have stumbled a bit while you were writing that last comment. I can imagine what it would have sounded like in real life. Man, I CANNOT believe that I was afraid of you in high school! You’re just a really sweet big warm blob. Well, I have to go now, I just caught a chill and now my nipples are hard so I have to put on a bra. See ya!

OK then, I guess that’s it. I don’t even know what the hell I was talking about. I just know that I’m a sneaky monkey.


  1. crazy.

  2. I prefer to call it fun to be with.

    : )

  3. Oh, thank Allah. I thought you were headed down a path with your dog that included peanut butter. I just would not have been able to handle that this early in the morning.

  4. A peanut butter path? Would there be a silver ticket involved?

  5. Why, yes. That is exactly where I was going with that comment. Say hi to Mr. Wonka for me.

  6. Right after I nail an Oompa Loompa.

    : )

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