Posted by: anniewilson | January 16, 2009

The People in Charge of Snarge

Did you know that a small bird could down a large jet? I thought that was an old wives tale. But apparently it was a bird or a flock of birds (the jury’s still out on which) that brought a commercial jet down into the Hudson River. How stupid is that? We have kamikaze birds up in the air and people don’t do more to stop them in their brainless attempts to down our airplanes? Maybe a screen or something like that would just smash the little suckers to bits. I like the idea of little machine BB guns attached to the wings with radar that could shoot the birds down. I’d pay extra for that window seat.

But I guess you can’t expect those bureaucratic types to change things much at all. Not when they come up with well thought out scientific facts such as this one, “Obviously, geese or another large bird would be much more hazardous than a little black bird”. Ya think? I don’t know, I didn’t go to rocket scientist school.

You’re not gonna believe this one, but I’m telling the truth…when a bird hits an engine blade ( or two or three), the resulting Dali like carcass of the bird is now called “snarge”. I kid you not. I know it sounds made up but it’s true. I wouldn’t have used snarge, I would have used birge…but snarge it is.

So, it would seem as though snarge in the engine is sort of like the notorious cup of sugar that would supposedly damage a nice little car engine. I don’t know if sugar would work…once I again, I’d do it differently. I’d shove a Snicker’s bar down the gas tank on a hot summer’s night as I offered my throat to the wolf with the red roses.

Anyway, back to snarge. The people in charge of snarge (PICOS…in charge of snarge…LOLOLOL) have taken many measures to keep the birds away. Many educated people formed committee’s and the like, the government spent God knows how much and NASA’s spokesman came up with this gem, “…they often don’t plant many trees nearby…”. And then, as though he thought he was speaking to a large group of blond women, he added that this was necessary because trees “are nesting areas for birds.”

NASA spokesperson Allard Beutel also stated that NASA has a bird abatement program because according to PICOS, “Bird strikes are on the rise.” And since there is no known use for snarge, it’s to our benefit to have a committee that has meetings, serves pastry, sends memo’s and employs administrative assistance at the taxpayers expense. PICOS also came up with another brilliant plan, they’re gonna make a lot of noise. It’s not that it isn’t a good idea but Dick Van Dyke did it first over 40 years ago when there was a wild woodpecker attacking Ritchie. Even the loud bang isn’t a NASA original…didn’t someone shoot something in the trees to chase birds away in Steel Magnolias? These people could be replaced with a DVD and some Nick at Night reruns.

NASA also has a special countdown that they can stop in case any overhead birds need to pass by the shuttle. They must have come up with that one late on a Friday afternoon before a 3-day weekend. I can hear it now:

NASA DUDE: OK, we haven’t done anything all week but eat pastry, we have to do something before Memorial Day.
OTHER NASA DUDE: Yeah, and our job is to make decisions and I haven’t made one since I ordered the multi-colored post-it notes.

GAY NASA DUDE: O…M…G…I ADOOOORRREE those! Was that your idea? Good one! (Little gay clap)
NASA CHICK: I thought we’d be out of here by now…I have to get a mani-pedi before my date!
NERDY NASA DUDE: I know, how about this…if there are birds in the area…we tell them to stop the countdown.
NASA DUDE WHO LOOKS LIKE PETER GRIFFITH: You know, that’s just crazy enough to work!

And another 8 million dollars goes to pastry and post-it notes.

But first things first, “The first step calls for employees to call in any reports of road kill around the space center.” Is this a problem? Does that huge rolling thing that takes the shuttle to the launch pad really kill many animals? I could understand a turtle, but most other animals could outrun one of those behemoths. But, if they do have a lot of road kill, why do I keep seeing pictures of starving people? Now THAT’S an idea that could help people….Road Kill for Ethiopia. I’ll be in charge of that one…I’d like to get Bruce Springsteen to sing or maybe someone with a lot of road kill experience like Garth Brooks or Angelina Jolie.

Beutel, a wealth of information, once famously stated, “There are going to be birds out there.” I hadn’t really thought about it but…yes, there ARE going to be birds out there! After attending countless meetings on the subject, Beutel added, “You don’t want to run into a bird and possibly slow your glide down.” By gosh, this dude is amazing.

I do have one problem with the PICOS. They say that, “We’re not looking to kill any wildlife.” I don’t get that. I would shoot a bird down to save a bunch of people, but then again, I don’t really go to many meetings. I just think that if I have to take off my shoes, those PICOS should treat snarge with the same intensity as they do terrorism threats. If I were to go down, I don’t really think I’d care if it were a bird or an Iranian who did it.




I’ve heard a rumor that someone was firing turkeys out of cannon at airplane windshields and they kept breaking even though the engineers thought it should have been impossible to break them. It should have been and it would have been…if they had ony thawed the birds. So, now I must find out if this rumor is true!



  1. Have you heard that they actually test engines by throwing fryers into them? Sounds like a messy way of making chicken salad.

  2. LOLOL, I heard that’s how they came up with the first food processor.

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