Posted by: anniewilson | February 23, 2009

My Evening With Rednecks

Meg,

Do you know where HE lives? You have not been to HIS house, have you? This seems like desperate behavior. Either he is desperate or you are!

No, it wasn’t desperation, it was boredom. And incredibly stupid. But I usually do stupid things rather often so I’m quite adept at handling these types of situations.

The nice thing about wackos is the immediacy with which I run from them. It didn’t take much to recognize the appropriate moment and I’ve already extricated myself from that one. I must say though, I absolutely did enjoy the sociological aspect of this brief but red flag-filled relationship. I found myself at a redneck place filled with the most extreme rednecks I have ever seen. And remember, I lived in Roanoke, Virginia for years and years. But Roanoke rednecks are rather classy compared to Gogia rednecks.

We walked into a place with a band playing and Craigslist Dude put his beer down on the first table he came to so I sat at it. My back went out the other day and it was causing me quite a bit of trouble so I was happy to sit down at the earliest opportunity. Apparently, I misread his intentions because he shouted, “Let’s go get closer.”

I shouted back, “Why? Can’t you hear the band from here?” We were all the way in the back but that was only about 70 feet away from the band that I couldn’t see, but could hear quite well.

He responded, “Let’s go up there so we can dance.”

That irritated me more than the redneck chicks who screeched forever at the beginning and end of each and every song that the band played. “My back is out, I can’t dance!” No one ever said anything about dancing, I wouldn’t have ever agreed to that. And, it never occurred to me that a date would ask me to dance knowing that it hurt me to inhale.

I made the observation that, “This is a place that you have to be half shitfaced to enjoy.” I was stone cold sober so it held absolutely NO appeal for me. Of course, there’s the fact that I’ve never been in such a place in my entire life and I was quite sure that police would be right there if only I waited long enough.

My jaw literally dropped as I looked around at the yahoo’s who had been drinking all night. I was amazed. They were like caricatures…each one looked more like a redneck than the last. He read the look on my face and was apparently somewhat angry at my “snobbish attitude”. It wasn’t snobbery at all…it was sincere and utter shock. I could only hope that I would find the plutonium and travel back to the future soon.

Just as he was calling me a snob, I noticed a guy walking past me who looked like he had the reddest neck of all. He was huge, at least 6’4″ and he had to be well over 300 pounds. He was wearing a black leather vest over tattoo covered arms and he had one of those long redneck ponytails hanging down his back. The obligatory beard was hanging from his chin and I just had to laugh. The timing couldn’t have been better…the accusation of being a snob and then the appearance of Big Red had me in stitches. The margarita might have been kicking in about then as well.

I guess that did it and my date said something that I couldn’t hear but I’m pretty sure was derogatory. Then he left. I had no idea where he had gone and I still wasn’t past the environment in which I found myself so I sat there, still rather shell shocked and laughing for about a minute and a half. Then I thought…”Now what?”

It quickly occurred to me that I had a golden ticket out of that entire situation and I took it. I bolted and called a friend to come and get me. Then, I did what I would ordinarily do, I went looking for the pool tables while waiting for my ride. You wouldn’t have to know me too well to find me at a place like that. Anyone who’s ever met me would know to look for me at the nearest pool tables. I was sitting at the bar watching the games being played to decide which table to challenge when Craigslist Dude finally found me.

I thought he took off but apparently there’s a game rednecks play where they argue and then one runs off and the other follows them to bitch more. Personally, only a total moron would think that I would be at all familiar with that game so I grabbed my excuse and held on tightly.

He accused me of “taking off” and I immediately recognized that as “the guilty person turning the bad behavior around on me” and Annie don’t play that shit. Everything he said emboldened me and confirmed that I had made the right decision and soon after that, my friend came and I left.

Now, I realize that one was all on me. I walked right into it. But, to be honest, it was rather entertaining and I didn’t really have anything else to do over the weekend so it’s all good. But I must apologize to the gang at the Second Alarm in Roanoke. I’ll never laugh at you guys again. You are NOT the creepiest rednecks in the known universe. Cartersville, Georgia Rednecks have you beat all to hell.

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Responses

  1. I’m Nigel Tomm and I agree with you in 99%.

  2. Perhaps your idea of a Redneck and mine are somehow disparate.
    If you think that all Rednecks are illiterate, tattooed slobs”who cling bitterly to their guns and religion” I’d have to disagree. I consider myself a Redneck and I hold a Graduate degree, I have all my teeth, no tattoos, I don’t hit women and I don’t have a still in my backyard. I know you were having a bit of fun there and that’s OK just so long as we Rednecks can also use stereotypes to describe those diverse folks around us. That seems to be the crux of the problem.

    Tom

  3. Wow…it really didn’t work out? Who’d a thunk?

    Now, while there is still time, get an alarm system and a heavy duty weapon. 12 gauge should do the trick. He will stew about 3 or 4 days, then it will be on.

    You women sure are crazy. Couldn’t you just go lesbian and avoid all of this?

  4. Tom,

    I don’t believe I ever used the word slob. But, if you are as decent as you appear to be, I assure you that you would have been a tad disgusted as well. These weren’t just plain old rednecks, they were hardcore rednecks.

    Tan,

    Crazy? Maybe, but I prefer to think of it as “fun to be around”. Sorry, I can’t go lesbo this late in life anymore than I could go redneck. I’m just going to keep on smiling and hope he never darkens my phone or doorstep again. And, by the way, I said from the start that this was stupid.

    Stay tuned…I may date a couple of guys whose names end in vowels soon.

    : )

  5. Tom,

    Why would you consider yourself a redneck when it is defined as:

    Used as a disparaging term for a member of the white rural laboring class, especially in the southern United States

    Not trying to stir the pot, just interested as to what the value of associating yourself with this group is?

    Steve

    (annie – sorry for stomping on the thread…just found Tom’s point of view interesting).

  6. Oh, oh, oh! Tom,

    I think you’re a good ol’ boy! That’s different than a redneck! Maybe we are harboring different perceptions here. In my mind, someone with a “Graduate degree…teeth…no tattoos, ‘who doesn’t’ hit women…’or’ have a still” is the opposite of redneck.

    Tom, I have to tell you…I do believe the people in Cartersville took a lot of pride in the redneck thing.

    : )

  7. Tannerleah,

    My perspective is the same as those African Americans who consistently refer to themselves by the N word. Since I am a fifth generation Texan, I fall under the term Redneck by default to many so I have chosen to embrace it. And these very same people may have never met a Texan in their life.

    Annie I know you did not refer to those Georgians as slobs…I did, and in fact that is what they are judging from your description, but slobs and creeps does not necessarily a Redneck make.

    Thanks Tom

    By the way what happened to my pic/avatar…I have suddenly become a qult??

  8. Tom,

    Got it. Thanks for the explanation.

    TL

  9. LOL, Tom, I thought you took your cute moustachioed face off of my blog when I offended you! Please, bring it back!

    : )

  10. I would never get offended on a fun blog like yours, I’m just having fun myself.

    By the way I beleive the proper name for Georgia Rednecks is Grits, or perhaps Crackers.

    Occasionally my humor, or attempt at humor, is a bit abstruse. Sorry.

    :>)

    Tom

  11. Oh honey, it’s all good. These were some seriously wacked crackers, I assure you!

  12. I didn’t remove my pic, but after your (blush, blush) nice compliment I’ll try and see what happened.

    Judging by the time on my response you must be posting from somewhere off the east coast. Hmmm,,,Bimini, Bermuda, Turks and Caicos…I give up. Or perhaps it’s just WordPress. πŸ™‚

    Tom

  13. AHHHHH! Much better than the quilt…and warmer at night I would wager.

    : )
    : )
    : )

    Oh, I’m in Marietta Georgia…I’m on the southside of the east.

  14. I was very close to Marietta in November. I took I20 to Atlanta then whatever road MapQuest told me to take to get to Winston Salem. My oldest friend is there and because he’s now disabled I always have to go to their house. I also once spent some time in Brunswick. An old girlfriend’s Dad owned an island there…a whole island,,,who owns an island?
    Back to your evening out, I know for a fact that there are some nice, educated guys around Peachtree, but I’m not giving out any names. They’re neither Crackers, nor Rednecks.

    I hate flying, that’s why I drive. Flying is a last resort used only if I have to be somewhere in a short time.

    πŸ™‚

    Tom

  15. I really have no problem with rednecks. These were extreme dudes as I said. Actually, between you and I…I met one before I left the scary place and he called earlier today. I can’t help myself, I seriously enjoy men!!!!!

    So, you DID come rather close. You probably went up 85 or 95 North, depending on what MapQuest said that day. I’m off of 75, northwest of Atlanta. Next time you ride through town, let me know. We can go out two-stepping.

    : )

  16. Jesus Christ Annie. Can you please keep it in your pants!

    You simply MUST stop picking up hitchhikers on the Internet Highway. Sure, Tom is one sexy looking dude but you can’t keep picking up strays.

  17. LOLOLOL…I’m a sucker for moustaches…unless they are ungroomed and go up my nose.

    : )


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