Posted by: anniewilson | April 9, 2009

The Bowling Date: Surprisingly Difficult

I accepted a bowling date. Ordinarily, I have enough trouble getting the front half of me date-ready so I think I made a boo boo. Now I have to find a look that works from both front and back. And that’s not as easy as it sounds. I would figure the odds of looking great from the front AND the back…but I don’t know algebra. Hell, I don’t even know if algebra would help, for all I know, you’d need calculus. Oh…one more thing, Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care.

The pressing problem is that I have to find a pair of jeans that look good from the back and a sweater that would ALSO look good from the back. But then again, you don’t want the guy to stay behind you all night so you have to work on the front as well. Crap.

With the circular nature of your head, hair is another problem that must be addressed from all angles. Make-up is the one thing that only requires attention from the front. Of course, jowls, turkey gobbler things and ears must be considered from angles, but make-up won’t do much to help that.

I heard that people are spray-painting 6-packs on their bellies. Whatever. I just want to know one thing, what do you do when you sit down and your 6-pack rolls over your bathing suit?

Apparently, many people spray-paint many things nowadays. And to think, I laughed at the Atlanta weather-dude who spray painted his head on TV and thought he was fooling us. Jeez, how bad could a thinning scalp look? Oh, and I see they’re spray painting tans on themselves in one of the sunniest places on the planet, LA.

It seems as though the fact that tanning is bad for them (not to mention it will age them) has the stars wanting to LOOK tanned, but not actually spend too much time in the sunbed. Next they’ll stop smoking and fake cough. These yahoos make no sense but who am I to say anything? I’m just about the whitest woman on the planet. If you’re on the beach without sunglasses, wait for me to walk out there, I’ll blind ya. I’m getting ready for another few months of burning and peeling and I just can’t wait! Nothing looks better on a date than face dandruff.

Man…did I digress! I still have to find jeans that are long enough to wear in my own shoes PLUS bowling shoes. My butt must also look as good as is possible at this last date…but I can still wing that if I put a bit of effort into it. The hard part comes when I need for my jeans to be low enough in front so that my sweater covers by belly unless I decide to raise my arms. Oh, and the shirt itself has to touch the back of my jeans. I’m going for the illusion that I didn’t MEAN to wear a shirt that would show my midriff, but if a bit should peek out every time I roll the ball, so be it! At the very least the pants and sweater should keep the guy wondering if he will get a peek. It’s best not to tax them with tough stuff. Skin, they understand.

Hair comes next. Braids won’t work at all with the sweater I’m thinking of so I’ll have to go with Marcia Brady hair. Easy enough, looks good from all angles and it seems so natural. It shouldn’t take more than an hour with a flat iron.

That leaves my make-up. This one might be tough. It has to look good up close and from the foul line. That’s pretty much a matter of applying just the right amount of eye liner and I think I can do that. Of course, you have to be careful with your lipstick as well. Elvira is not a good look no matter how close or far you are.

OK…cologne. I don’t think I’ll pull out the Obsession for bowling. I’ll stick with my old casual-date stand by that I’ve been using since I was 16…Avon’s Honesty. I spilled a bit of Red the other day and I never should have been using it in the first place because we ended up in a sportsbar that smelled like cigarettes anyway. (Things to consider, ladies!)

If, for one moment, I thought that I would be getting lucky, I would also use the Honesty body cream, powder and body spray. But I don’t see that happening after a bowling date. Well, maybe…but it would have to be one HELLUVA bowling date. He’d have to bowl 300 and I mean that figuratively.

That leaves me with jewelry and I never bother with that until I see what I finally come up with. I’ll change jeans a few times as well as shirts and shoes. By the time I get to the jewelry, my bed will be covered with my rejects du jour.

The sad thing is, no matter how much you try to prepare, it’s always a toss of the dice so I may be really sorry that I put so much effort into bowling. Oh! I haven’t even decided whether to use a back up ball or a curve ball yet. Hmm…



  1. So sorry you have to go thru so much work, but it is fun to read about. Thanks for the effort

  2. Don’t thank me until you see what I end up looking like!

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