Posted by: anniewilson | June 4, 2009

Why am I still here?

I’m dreadfully frightened and I don’t know what to do. That’s why I haven’t been here lately. My daughter wants me to stay alive so I’m trying to do that, but I don’t really enjoy it. I wake up every single morning and think, “Crap…I’m still here.” I get scared again and I hate that feeling. The daylight just reminds me that I should be doing something useful instead of worrying but I haven’t a clue what to do.

I couldn’t feel anymore alone than I feel right now. I need a reason to keep going and I can’t come up with any except for my kids. They’re busy living their own life and I don’t see anything for me to do except wait for them to need me for something. They rarely do.

I don’t know when I went from being a valuable person to being one that really has little worth but I do feel like I’m a drain on the natural resources of the planet. I am so behind in my bills that I don’t know how I’ll ever get caught up and I don’t have a clue where to start or who to ask for help.

When I was a kid and my father would tell me to clean up the house I would look at the mess and think, “How will I ever get this cleaned up?” My father would say, “Pick up one thing and put it where it belongs and then come back and do it again.” I’ve been trying to fix my life that same way but nothing seems to work for me. If I could get caught up one time, I feel as though I could handle it but I’ve gotten into such a deep hole that I don’t know what to pick up first and every time I bend over to pick something up I trip and drop two more things.

I don’t remember the last time I bought myself food. I have to be sure that the animals have something to eat so I do that. It’s easy for me to do that because when I’m as scared as I am, I can’t eat anyway. Eating is now just another chore that I can’t quite muster.

It would be much easier if I knew that there was someone who needed me but I can’t think of a soul who would know if I disappeared. That makes it very easy to consider checking out but I can’t do that to my kids. I’ve always thought that suicide was the coward’s way out but now I’m sorry that I was so hard on people who were too tired to go on trying to think of a reason to survive another day. It’s bad enough to be without positive things in life but when the balance tips and you become a drain on society, how does a responsible person justify their own continued existence?

How do people in nursing homes deal with that life? I see how it would be very easy to slip into confusion…living in another time is ever so much nicer than living in the present day. The past was secure to me and I want to go back. All of my friends are there as was my mother and the other family members that I loved to spend time with. Now my friends are all in different states and my family has mostly died out so that all I have left is my children. Even my own husband is gone and I’m still here by myself. I don’t even get any email lately.

All I need is a reason to go on after I type this sentence.

I’ll find one, I always do.

Oh, I remember…my dog. Damn, that little guy is a life-saver in so many ways.

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Responses

  1. Annie we are all afraid some days. Even people that have it all get afraid. This might not help but GET UP AND DO SOMETHING! Anything, take a walk. While your walking look for a place close to home that maybe would need some part-time help. Go in and ask them.
    When I was younger I didn’t have anyting or anyone (long story) so I filled my life up with work. However at my age now I couldn’t work 2 & 3 jobs at a time. Work is healthy. Idle hands make the devils work (my Grandma again).
    Right now I feel the same way you do. But I have a needy husband, a needy house, 2 needy kids, 1 needy grandson (very cute) and a really needy dog and I work full time. But of all of them I am the most needy. But they don’t know this. I’m TIRED!
    I love them all but sometimes I wish I was back to just me. So I kind of envy you.
    Like I said I don’t know if this helps but…..
    here’s my suggestion (which are like opinions).
    Clean your house. I don’t mean of dirt I mean of things you do not need or haven’t touched in a year. Sell everything.
    Money does not buy happiness but it is easier to be happy when your bills are paid.
    I’m at work so I must go now. Check on you in a while.
    Your friend
    Sunny

  2. annie? where are you? I have been reading you since you started. Your so funny and bright. You have made me laugh on so many sad days.
    I’m not good at making people laugh. I used to be when I was young. I was really funny.
    But your funny all the time. You make even the most mundane things funny.
    Where are you?
    I know I didn’t comment. I know you didn’t know I was here. But I was.
    I was single for 23 years before I got all these needy people. Well except for the oldest daughter.
    She helped me stay alive for those 23 years.
    My husband and I have only been married for 3 years on July 1st. The other daughter is his and was adopted by him and his ex (loony). Poor child I do my best everyother weekend. Don’t think I really make a difference though. The ex is a very successful manipulator. And is teaching the now 8 yo well. God help me.
    The dog was his Moms before she died. I loved her and I love the dog. But I miss Mom alot. She was my friend.
    I don’t have many friends now. I did but they were the miserablely married couples. 5 of them. I was the odd women out for years. When I got married they all, for the most part, made very outragious sexual advances to my husband. He didn’t like that and I didn’t know it until he told me. So I’m an idiot and he’s a real stand up loyal kind of guy (good for me).
    I work as a bookkeeper at an auto repair shop with all men (tall boys). I love my job but try to hide in my office alot. To much drama among men for me.
    Anyway so much for me now.
    How about a joke?
    Little old lady and little old man sitting the kitchen table.
    She says: Honey you know we have been sitting at this table together for 30 years.
    He says: yup
    She says: But you remember when we were young we used to set here naked?
    He says: yup
    She says: Well? What do ya think? Let’s do it.
    So they both stand up and strip down.
    She says: Honey you know I’m still just as hot for you now as I was 30 yrs ago. My nipples are on fire.
    He says: Well babe thanks, but it could be ’cause you’ve got one nipple in your coffee and the other in your oatmeal.
    Ta Da 🙂

  3. We (I) need you. Your dad was right, one piece at a time. Fix one thing and move on, stay focused.

    We’re with you even if you can not see us.


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