Posted by: anniewilson | August 5, 2009

Married Man Seeks Dimwitted Female

A personal ad on Craigslist was brought to my attention and I was fascinated by the actual language used to create the ad. A married man is trying to find the next member of the Super Glue Gang and I just thought that I might do some ladies a favor if I translated his letter from Lying Cheat to Honest Words. So, without further poo, I present to you Craigslist Romance:

I need you in my life and believe you need me too.

I can’t say this is all about my bodily urges so I want you to think that I’m considering your feelings…before I even meet you.

Due to my situation at home, which is beyond my control, I have no physical intimacy and I miss it terribly. It is like going without breathing.

I’m a married man going through a mid-life crisis. I think that you’ll feel sorry for me if I whine about a lack of sex. I screw my wife regularly but she gets boring. Rather than spicing things up at home, I want to hit some occasional strange.

I love my wife and everything that we have built together and have no desire to leave it. However, again, it is like not breathing. If you understand what I am writing then I think perhaps we might be kindred souls.

I have stuff…a lot of it. If my wife leaves me she’ll take a bunch of it and I can’t think of anything that I want to do away with…except my wedding vows and my word.

I am willing to explain all of my circumstances and feelings but do not feel that this is the proper medium and will do so at the right time, when you ask, in detail, completely. Suffice it to say I have sincere legitimate and complex reasons, though not dramatic. I am not a superficial person looking for bed notches. I seek something to build on over time, both cerebral and very physical. There is an old saying about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes in order to gain insights. Again, I look for someone who understands and can appreciate that cliche.

And, as anyone can tell you, Craigslist is much cheaper than, easier than and generally takes less effort than both. I just want a blowjob, I don’t have time to invest in an actual pursuit.

I enjoy cuddling and kissing more than anything else.

I know how you chicks like to hear that crap.

I am very uninhibited, sensuous, passionate and adventurous with one special person behind closed doors.

But make no mistake, I’m in this for some serious sex and I wouldn’t get ANY if I TOLD you that I had four other women.

I have found that only a woman can simultaneously stimulate all of my senses, and I like that and miss that a lot.

(I don’t understand that line. It sounds like he’s been swinging with Elton John, Sigfried, Paul Lynde and Perez Hilton.)

I enjoy the look, tastes, touch, smells and sounds of a lady.

(But maybe not.)

I am very oral and enjoy the back of the neck, the small of the back and the inner thigh as much as the more obvious places.

Obvious places being at home in bed with my wife…but as I said, I want some strange and I’ve already given you the “cuddling” bullshit…as every man knows, you have to dangle cuddling and oral sex to snag a woman for a piece of ass.

Lovemaking, in my opinion should take hours not minutes.

But of course, my plan is to leave within 10 minutes of my orgasm so that my wife doesn’t bitch as much when I walk in late.

I have been told that I ravish and I believe that is a good thing.

(Once again, I’m having a tough time translating this because I don’t get his point. I’ve been told that I “suck a mean dick” but seriously, there are so many variables that sometimes I just suck a regular dick.)

I also give a great massage.

So, any of you who aren’t taken in by cuddling, oral sex and hours of lovemaking, do not despair. I’ll rub your back for you…once…before sex…then never again.

I live and work in the Marietta/Sandy Springs/Roswell area. If we are going to be able to find stolen moments together, sometimes in an impulsive spontaneous manner you need to be nearby too to make it work.

Well, it should go without saying that I need to be close to my house, my wife and “everything we’ve built together”. I can’t explain away “really bad traffic” if I have to drive all the way to Lilburn for a piece of ass. I never know when I’ll have an hour to kill while the wife goes to the mall so I need for you to be close.

I simply want to find a woman who has a similar void in her life.

I need a moron who won’t ask me what the heck that means and will give me free sex.

One who believes that a friend and passionate discreet lover would bring something special and meaningful into her life.

One dumb enough to believe that I am “friend” material.

This would be a relationship that was narrow but which brought a spark of excitement, satisfaction and a renewed sensual yearning and burn that they miss.

If I just said that I wanted a horny woman, it wouldn’t work. So, I’m specifically requesting an unhappy horny woman.

She would be again free to be a sensual woman with the expectation and knowledge that that heat and hunger would be appreciated and enjoyed by a man who would adore her.

She would be free to get all freaky in bed with me and I’ll adore that…two or three times a week…Monday through Friday…9 AM to 5 PM…holidays not included.

Lets create that oasis for one another together.

You provide the room, bed and pussy and I’ll bring my dick.

Now…if you understand this dude and still want his lying ass, respond here:



  1. Brilliant. I think you decoded his message perfectly.

  2. Thanks. They aren’t terribly difficult to figure out. If any of them used some creativity I might furrow a brow, but they don’t.

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