Posted by: anniewilson | August 28, 2009

20 signs your spouse is a lying cheat

Tapping your inner strength can be a daunting undertaking but it occurs to me that all I have to do is NOT be a chicken shit like my ex. I need to remember that what separates that lying SOB from the decent humans is, when it becomes hard to tell the truth, he lies and I don’t. I guess he thinks like a two year old, “If I lie to you and then walk away, you won’t see my lying self.”

That’s not a bit true, is it? After someone lies to you, you’re still there, thinking about what a LIAR you just spoke to. Then, every time anyone asks you about the liar, all you have to say is that he’s a liar. Non-liars know what that means. It means that you can’t be trusted. At all. Ever. Period.

People always say that my ex was so “sweet”…and I guess he was. But that’s only because it’s easy to be sweet around other people but it’s not always easy to be honest around them.

That’s actually a scary thought because it implies that sweet people are, by definition, dishonest and that’s not necessarily true. Think of it like this…dishonest people are almost always sweet, but sweet people aren’t always dishonest. That knowledge won’t always save the day but it’s one of those concepts that people should really be aware of.

I like thinking of different things I’ve encountered in my life…not my ex…but other stupid crap. Sometimes a thought will make me cringe but then again, so do most of my husbands. And since I’ve noticed that we don’t experience life in a vacuum…or anything LIKE it…I like to remind myself that I’m NOT the only one who spills Kool-Aid on the carpet before the Rug Doctor gets back to the grocery store. I’m NOT the only person who ever married a Liar Extraordinaire…other people have slammed their car trunks shut while simultaneously staring at the key’s next to the spare tire and as weird as it may sound, I imagine that someone else has wondered what a booger tastes like.

Keeping all of this in mind…I have decided to begin a new feature called Lists. I am going to list stuff. It won’t be all Type A personality lists, it’ll be lists of stuff I think most people can relate to. This could be fun or it could be like when I was doing stand-up and I became obsessed with making a joke out of Monkey Pox. Everything I tried fell flat and this very well may do the same thing. I don’t know and I’m not sure I care. I enjoy doing this stuff and I’m the only one here…except for the fugitive that I’m harboring…but I’m rather comfortable being myself around him. (That…and that ALONE is the reason that I can’t turn him in to the local law enforcement agencies who don’t seem to have noticed that we are hiding from them. They’ll figure it out sooner or later, they always do.)

Anyway, today’s list is going to be a list of SIGNS THAT YOUR SPOUSE IS A LYING CHEAT:

1. Forget lipstick on his collar…mistresses of today leave lipstick on his underpants.
2. You see so much of his back in bed that you begin to see constellations in his freckles.
3. If he brings you a dozen roses, one is missing.
4. They actually CARE about how they look. Mine began a habit of daily oral hygiene which told me that I could no longer deny the reality staring me in my face.
5. There’s a mixed CD in your car full of random country music songs labeled in your spouses handwriting.
6. Trust yourself. If they create a branch of law enforcement patterned after YOUR efforts, you probably have a liar. I’m responsible for a lot of today’s forensic knowledge, I even created the science of fiber analysis all by myself.
7. A job that used to require your spouse to spend 12 minutes a day speaking on the phone suddenly requires HOURS of phone time and busy signals.
8. The person who spent 17 years loaning you a razor all of a sudden gets annoyed at the “rough blade” you left after you used it.
9. For some reason, bathroom activities that were once shared are now individual events.
10. The receipts in the car from “his” lunch switch from Whoppers to Fruit Smoothie’s.
11. I know it takes some serious chutzpah, but some cheaters actually begin to ask YOU for your opinion on their hair.
12. The guy who used to make you account for every move you made suddenly becomes aware of “how silly that is”.
13. This is a subtle one so you have to look for it…but they also stop making fun plans that include you any more than a week or so ahead of time.
14. The man who once told you that you were his soul mate begins to complain about cobwebs you didn’t even think he was aware of.
15. Your “cute hairs” in the hairbrush become “DISGUSTING, FILTHY LITTLE SUCKERS!”
16. Here’s an easy one…if a wife has to ask TWICE for sex, the husband is absolutely screwing someone else.
17. A man switches from jockeys to boxers…or boxers to jockeys.
18. The liar will admit to doing something REALLY bad…because the truth is so hideous the lie looks good in comparison.
19. Cheaters seem to dislike their in-laws more than they did before they cheated.
20. A man will either:

A. Suddenly learn to wipe his ass
or
B. Stop apologizing for the skid marks.

Mine chose option B, he was nothing if not disgusting.

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Responses

  1. you should’ve seen Anne Heche on David Letterman the other night — you’d appreciate what she had to say about hers

  2. I think I’ll look for that on YouTube…thanks!

  3. You were right!

    http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977790178&grpId=3659174697244816

  4. Hilarious, but so true

  5. Yep…it sure is. It wasn’t so funny when it was happening, but now I see the humor in it!


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