Posted by: anniewilson | December 7, 2009

Sex, sex, sex

Doctors, probably men doctors, are working on a cream that can be rubbed onto the penis to achieve erection. (LOLOL, that’s a helluvan achievement, isn’t it?) At some point the drug will have to be tested and that means that a bunch of men will either rub the cream on their own wangs or some chick will do it for them.

After applying the ointment in a rapid up and down fashion, an erection will show success. I’m just not sure of what it will show success. I’m not sure and I really don’t care. I am SO sick of the importance that society places on sex and of all the new an improved ways to have sex. I could wax philosophical on you but I choose to use wax you with humor because that’s the way I roll.

Americans have been having sex earlier and earlier for as long as I can remember. When I was a teenager, most of us chose to listen to the warnings of our parents, “If you ever get pregnant, don’t come home.”

Add to early onset sex the social permission we have to hump multiple partners and we’ve had a LOT of extra sex going on around here lately. It’s really no wonder we run out of sex juice early, we’re using it all up before we’re 50. (Luckily for me, at 51 I seem to have maintained some extra sex juice. I think it’s leftover from my last marriage.)

And honestly, for all the talk about it, sex isn’t the be-all end-all in life. Personally I would rather get a pedicure. So why is everyone doing all this penis rubbing and little blue pill popping? I don’t know. They should invest their time and money in a sailboat. I’d sail away with a dude who had one of them…with or without the sex accoutrement’s.

And then women…what are you doing to your boobs? Have you ever SEEN an 80 year old woman with implants? I have and let me tell you…it is NOT a pretty sight. The implants may remain in place, but the real boobs go on some crazy gravity induced escaped and when you’re flat on your back, the nipples are somewhere under your arms. They don’t have a blue pill yet that will explain the social obligations of a man who encounters 4 boobs…on one woman, Lindsay Lohan is NOT involved.

I suppose you could look at the bright side, the dude can suck your nipples and rub the big round things at the same time. If you can do some of that for him, he might not need the ointment.

Do you realize that we have men wielding plumbing long since out of warranty on women hawking parts decommissioned years ago? Old people sex just CAN…NOT…BE…THAT…GOOD.

It almost sounds like heaven for the decrepit old men, doesn’t it? But there is one huge problem stemming from all of this squeaky old people sex…a local gynecologist reported that she treated “more cases of herpes and human papillomavirus at this particular retirement villages than she did when she worked in Miami.” These people made it through WWII, Korea, Viet Nam, the entire Sexual Revolution, cheating on their spouses and God knows what else. For the better part of a century, these folks avoided the clap and yet they can’t survive widowhood unscathed by any odd lesions, infections or small crawly things. Thank God their parents aren’t around to see what they’ve done.

And shame, shame on those old women! “Whatever you know about 20-year-olds, it’s the same with seniors,” said Roselyn Shelley, a resident of The Villages Retirement Community. You would think that women would have gotten over any self esteem issues before they turned 70. I don’t know why they would service a bunch of cheap old men. At the very least, I would charge the guy a few bucks to make it worth my while.

And of course, where there are women and black-market drugs available, you can expect violence. Local cops do their best to keep the neighborhood safe, but according to Lt. Davis, it’s no picnic. “You see two 70-year-olds with canes fighting over a woman and you think, ‘Oh, jeez.'”

Important Dating Tip For Women Of All Ages: Women, listen to me, if you do ABSOLUTELY nothing else, get the guy to pick something up at the store for you on their way over to your house. There’s no better time to get a man to pull his wallet out of his pocket. Trust me on that one.

Oh yeah…beware of men who come to you with a tube of anything. It’s NEVER a good sign. Either you rub it on him or he plans on being very lazy in the foreplay department. So when it comes to ointments and sex…just say no.

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