Posted by: anniewilson | December 12, 2009

No Driver’s Licenses for People with Boobs

As I sat near my daughter this morning…

…listening to her speak to my father, I heard her say something rather thoughtless. It seems as though my daughter, who recently turned 30, feels rather old. So, what thoughtless comment did my kid say to my father? She actually said, “I’m getting old Grandpa!”

Grandpa must really, really be old, not to mention myself, who must be, simply, really old.

Grandpa had some news for us, he’s going to Australia. That’s very nice, isn’t it? The only problem is that his flight leaves from Los Angeles and he’s going to drive to the airport. That doesn’t sound so bad until you remember that he lives in Florida. So, as a warning to the southern half of our country, my father will be driving from Tampa to LA soon so, unless you have an emergency, DO NOT DRIVE on the interstates.

When I was a kid, I never worried about anything if Daddy was driving. I would play in the backseat as though nothing could happen to me because Daddy was behind the wheel. Somehow, that thought is no longer soothing. It’s actually a bit frightening, to tell you the truth. But if the Lord allows it, Dad will be slowing down before he gets near me so it’s not myself about whom I am worried…it’s EVERYONE WHO LIVES NEAR INTERSTATE 20 from Florida to California.

Once he gets here, I’ll have fun because I get to correct his grammar. He LOVED to correct our grammar when we were children. I sort of doubt that he foresaw a day which would find one of his illiterate offspring a much better grammarian than he had ever hoped to be.

Yes…I don’t know how it happened, but somewhere along the line, my grammatical skills outpaced his and now I hear errors in one out of every 5 sentences he speaks. I keep up with every one, I do. I’m sure someone out there could critique my skills and find fault, but I’m still much better than Pops and with that, I am very pleased.

Somehow, even my vocabulary has surpassed Dear Old Dad’s. He may have a bit on me when it comes to Latin words or words specific to the law but I’m not bad with Latin myself and I have it all over him on words specific to the life sciences. So, we’re relatively equal in vocabulary but the New York Times Crossword shows who edges out whom in that category…and it is I who takes THAT particular prize.

One Sunday morning I was reading a book as Father was doing the crossword. He called me over as he usually did when he was stumped. He showed me his current quandary and I immediately responded, “Titular.”

He laughed as though he had caught me in a hideous dangling participle. It took a while, but I convinced him that titular, was indeed, a word. He may be the titular leader of Grammar and Vocabulary in THIS family, but it is I who truly holds the prize for most literate member of this particular klan.

And, like it or not, I’m a better driver as well. I know that’s hard to believe because I have boobs, but I am. And even so, if all other boobed people gave back their driver’s licenses, I would give back mine. I don’t mind leaving it up to the men to do the driving. Of course I think that ALL boobed people should give up their licenses…whether those boobs are on a woman or a man. I’ve seen my father shirtless…he needs to give up HIS license as well.

Of course he won’t…so if you live in a state along the southern border of our nation, be afraid, be very afraid. He is old and he is dangerous.


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